Showing posts with label Humor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Humor. Show all posts

Saturday, September 13, 2014

Dressed Alike


The parents of a large family were explaining why they dress their children alike, right down to the youngest baby.

“When we had just three children, I dressed them alike so we wouldn't lose any of them at a park or store or church,” said the mother.

“Now,” added the father, looking around at his brood of nine, “We dress them alike so we won’t pick up any that don’t belong to us,”


Friday, September 5, 2014

Amen


We live in the technological era, and our electronic gadgets including computers may have gone little too far.

One family said, “Amen” after praying for supper one night. One of his children asked the father, “Daddy, what does ‘Amen’ mean?”

Before he or his wife could answer, their five-year-old responded, “Silly - It means SEND.”


Wednesday, September 3, 2014

Beautiful Mess


On one of those airplane flights, two passengers sitting on adjacent seats struck up a conversation. One of them kept complaining about his family problems.

After a while, the other man said: “You think you have family problems? Listen to my situation: A few years ago I met a young widow with a grown-up daughter. We got married and I got myself a stepdaughter. Later, my father decided to marry my stepdaughter. That made my stepdaughter, my step-mother. And my father became my stepson. Also, my wife became mother-in-law of her father-in-law. Much later, the daughter of my wife, my stepmother, had a son. This boy was my half-brother because he was my father’s son. But he was also the son of my wife’s daughter which made him my wife’s grandson. That made me the grandfather of my half-brother. This was nothing until my wife and I had a son. Now the half-sister of my son, my stepmother, is also the grandmother. This makes my father, the brother-in-law of my child, whose stepsister is my father’s wife, I am my stepmother’s brother-in-law, my wife is her own child’s aunt, my son is my father’s nephew and I am my OWN GRANDFATHER!! And you are complaining about family problems."

The first passenger took the entire length of the flight to figure out the relationship entanglement.




Wednesday, August 27, 2014

The switch


Having kids at home is a wonderful thing. It is only when they leave the nest we feel their absence. No matter how harshly they argue or speak, they are indeed God's gift. Listen to a father speak about his teenage son in high school.

When my son was ready to start high school, we decided to let him move into the basement. Only then did I realize how convenient it would be to get him to the breakfast table and off to school on time.

When his room was upstairs, I used to stand at the bottom of the staircase and scream his name - over and over and over.

Right now the tables have changed. All I have to do is flick the basement light off and on, and he gets the message to come up without me uttering a single word!

One morning I flicked the switch, and nothing happened. I did it several more times. Nothing. So I flipped it up/down, up/down, up/down over and over until I saw the whites of his eyes.

“I’m on my way,” my son grumbled. “You didn't have to yell.”



Sunday, August 24, 2014

Meditation


Once upon a time, four monks agreed to maintain three days of silence as part of their spiritual discipline. They were able to observe their silence until darkness fell on the first day.

The first monk proceeded to say, “Somebody should light the lamp.”

The second monk turned to him and said, “You spoke!”

The third monk retorted, “Will you two please keep quiet?”

And the fourth monk observed, “Now I’m the only one who hasn't broken the vow of silence!”




Friday, July 18, 2014

The two pillowcases


1 Timothy 6:7 For we brought nothing into the world, and we can take nothing out of it.

Once upon a time, a  stingy old miser was seriously ill. One day he happened to hear a sermon related to the topic, "You can't take it with you." The old man, though bed ridden, was determined to prove wrong the old saying. He told his wife to go down to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillowcases, which she did. Then he made necessary arrangements and calculations to ensure those pillowcases were placed in the attic, directly over his bed. His plan was by secretly stashing the bags directly over his bed in the attic, as soon as he died, his soul would grab those two pillowcases on it's way up to heaven.

One day the old fellow died. A few months after the funeral, his wife was up cleaning the attic, and stumbled across those two hidden pillowcases. She stopped her chores and sat there wondering how come he left these two pillowcases after all that elaborate planning.

It didn't take long for the wife to figure out what exactly happened. Excited with the new found wealth, she muttered to herself, “That old fool. His plan might have worked if he had put them in the basement!”


Wednesday, July 16, 2014

Translation


Isn't it interesting to note how we hear certain things and later how we translate them. Read a classic example.

A wife once decided to escort her husband to the doctor’s office for his annual checkup. Later, the doctor took the wife aside and said, “Unless you do the following things, your husband will surely die.”

“Here’s what you need to do," the doctor went on to say, "every morning make sure you serve him a good healthy breakfast. Meet him at home every day and serve him a well-balanced lunch. Also, feed him a good hot meal each evening. Don’t overburden him with stressful conversation, nor ask him to perform any household chores. Keep the house spotless and clean so he doesn't get exposed to any threatening germs. As a wife, be available to meet his every physical desire as well.”

On the way home the inquisitive husband asked his wife, “What did the doctor say?”

She replied, “He said you’re surely going to die soon."

The husband asked, "Did he ask you to do something about it?"

The wife said, "I need to check if your insurance policy is promptly paid.”

Sunday, July 13, 2014

Congrats Germany!


This weekend all over the world, one topic dominated our news including internet, TV, radio, newspapers and social networking sites - FIFA finals. It was shaping up to be the main conversation in cafes, bars, offices, and even churches.

Just like that Superbowl Sunday, living rooms across our nation once again transformed and become lively. Germany eventually lifted that world cup after a 24 year wait. They were able to defeat hometown Brazil, and finally Argentina en-route.

Now that FIFA is over, I can share this - guys and girls have different vision regarding the game. Majority of guys who watch the game stay glued in front of the TV, munching chicken (and sipping beer?) anticipating that next goal to happen any moment. Gals on the other hand, tend to be lot relaxed and this is their only chance to spot some athletic and physically fit guys, who possess the stamina to run long enough and not get tired.


Saturday, June 28, 2014

Airline Safety Announcements

Most of us, seldom pay attention to those boring in-flight safety announcements.

Back in 2009, David Holmes of Southwest airlines made an unusual preflight announcement to entertain customers on the flight and to relieve his own boredom with the familiar routine. One of the passengers recorded that and posted it on youtube.

The airline industry then went through a phase of re-doing their safety presentation. While flying Delta, I see a new version almost every month.

Here are few for you to have fun. If you have a trip lined up in the near future, hope to watch one of these and it'll make you wanting to fly more.

Southwest - David Holmes


Virgin America


El Al Airline


Air New Zealand


Philippine Airline


Air New Zealand - disco


Turkish Airline


Sri Lankan Airlines


Delta


Delta 1


Delta Holiday Season


Safety in Paradise - Swimsuit Edition


A Cute One

Tuesday, April 22, 2014

On-line


The other day I made a silly typo in an easter mail which I sent out to my family and friends. That fact that it went out to hundreds of people - almost everyone in my contact list, bothered me a lot; I convinced myself it was ok. I told myself - it is the aftermath of being online.

Here are some warning signs that you may be spending too much time online. This includes Facebook, Twitter or online texting.

When an office colleague shares a joke and you say “LOL” out loud.

You barely notice anymore when someone has a typo.

Folks from technical support reach out to you, with hopes of seeking answers.

When you smile, you discover yourself trying to cock your head 90 degrees - to mimic :-)

When at work, your boss frequently reminds you that the word “i” should be uppercase.

You talk in abbreviated sentences, and discontinue talking in full sentences.

You have formed the habit of double clicking your TV remote.

You have an identity crisis when you learn of someone using a screen name close to your own.

Having changed your screen names so many times, you are confused as to who you really are.

You say “Scroll up” when a friend asks, “What did you say?”




Sunday, April 20, 2014

Easter Story - the other side


For many of us, Easter means get ready for the 'Easter Bunny' and organize 'Easter egg hunt'. 

Sunday, February 23, 2014

Riding a dead horse


The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians - passed on from generation to generation—says that when you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount.

However, in business we try other strategies with dead horses, such as:

  1. Buying a stronger whip.
  2. Changing riders.
  3. Saying things like "This is the way we always have ridden this horse."
  4. Appointing a committee to study the horse.
  5. Arranging to visit other sites to see how they ride dead horses.
  6. Increasing the standards to qualify as a dead horse rider.
  7. Appointing a tiger team to revive the dead horse.
  8. Pass legislation declaring that "This horse is not dead."
  9. Unilaterally declaring, "no horse is too dead to beat."
  10. Blaming the horse's parents.
  11. Providing additional funding to increase the horse's performance.
  12. Do a Cost Analysis Study to see if contractors can ride the horse cheaper.
  13. Declare the horse is "better, faster and cheaper" dead.
  14. Revisit the performance requirements for horses.
  15. Promote the dead horse to a supervisory position.



Credits; TYSK News

Tuesday, February 11, 2014

Complaints From Women in the Bible



Below is a collection of "Top 10 imaginary complaints from women in the Bible." One with a faith that cannot laugh and does not have a sense of joy could never be Christian. Here are "the complaints" for your consumption:

10. Eve to Adam: “You never take me anywhere different to eat, and you know I’ve got nothing to wear!”

9. Sarah to Abraham: “Maybe if you stopped treating me like your sister, we could start a family!” (Genesis 12:19)

8. Elizabeth to John the Baptist: “I cook you a nice meal and all you want is locust, locust, locust!”

7. Pharaoh’s Daughter to Moses: “Stop parting the bath water, Moses, and wash behind those ears!”

6. David’s mom to Jesse, her husband: “Do you really think it was a good idea to get David that sling? He’s going to put someone’s eye out with that thing!”

5. Manoah’s wife to her son Samson: “Can’t you clean the sink after you shampoo? I’m sick of all these long hairs clogging the drain!”

4. Elizabeth to Mary: “I love talking to you, Mary, really I do, but can you speak a little softer? This kid just won’t stop doing the rumba in my tummy!” (Luke 1:44)

3. Pilate’s wife to Pilate after the resurrection: “You never listen to me, do you?” How do you feel now ‘Mr. Wash-Your-Hands-In-Public’”? (Matthew 27:19)

2. Herodias to her daughter: “I told Herod that if he didn’t do something about this John nut, I would make sure the problem came to a head!”

And the number one complaint made by a biblical mother or wife is:

1. Mary to Joseph: “I TOLD you to make reservations!”


Wednesday, January 22, 2014

Workers Wanted


A rich executive announced at his church one Sunday morning that he was going to give up all he owned so that he had to depend on his faith in God for everything he needed. He sold everything, gave it to the poor, and moved into a rented home down on the bad side of town. That first night, he prayed that God would furnish him with some food. The next morning, he went outside on the porch and there was no food.

That night, he again prayed for food. The next morning - nothing.

The 3rd night, he prayed again, saying, "Lord, if you do not feed me, I will surely die of starvation." The next morning...nothing. Then, in a near panic brought on by hunger, he fell to his knees and cried out, "Lord, I have put my faith in you on the line. Why are you ignoring me like this?"

In the quietness of that rented house, he heard the Lord tell him that his prayers had been answered, but he was not looking at the answer. The Lord told him to go back out on the porch, which he did. Then, the Lord told him to look up! A large sign on the building across the road, in bold letters, said, "WORKERS WANTED - LUNCH WILL BE PROVIDED."

Moral: We not only should have faith that God will provide, but also need to actually listen very closely as to what God is trying to tell us!


Thursday, September 5, 2013

Pseudo-code



My son, Chris, is taking a lesson in programming this year. Here is an example I shared with him on how to write a pesudo-code, before starting to write the actual program. This example also contained the usage of using conditional logic with 'case statements'.

Task: Withdraw cash from an ATM

CASE 1:
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Insert card
3. Enter PIN number and account
4. Take cash, card and receipt
5. Drive away

CASE 2:
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Check makeup in rearview mirror
3. Shut off engine
4. Put keys in purse
5. Get out of car because you’re too far from machine
6. Hunt for card in purse
7. Insert card
8. Hunt in purse for wrapper with PIN number written on it
9. Enter PIN number
10. Study instructions for at least 2 minutes.
11. Hit “cancel”
12. Re-enter correct PIN number
13. Check balance
14. Look for envelope
15. Look in purse for pen
16. Make out deposit slip
17. Endorse checks
18. Make deposit
19. Study instructions
20. Make cash withdrawal
21. Get in car
22. Check makeup
23. Look for keys
24. Start car
25. Check makeup
26. Start pulling away
27. STOP
28. Back up to machine
29. Get out of car
30. Take card and receipt
31. Get back in car
32. Put card in wallet
33. Put receipt in checkbook
34. Enter deposits and withdrawals in checkbook
35. Clear area in purse for wallet and checkbook
36. Check makeup
37. Put car in gear, reverse
38. Put car in drive
39. Drive away from machine
40. Travel 3 miles
41. Release parking brake

.

Monday, June 24, 2013

The Tate family


Ever heard about the Tate family? The better question would be, "How many members of the Tate family belong to our church?"

There is old man Dic-Tate who wants to run everything, while Uncle Ro-Tate tries to change everything. There's sister Agi-Tate who stirs up plenty of trouble, with help from her husband, Irri-Tate. Whenever new projects are suggested, Hesi-Tate and his wife, Vege-Tate, want to wait until next year. Then there is Aunt Imi-Tate, who wants our church to be like all the others. Devas-Tate provides the voice of doom, while Poten-Tate wants to be a big shot. But not all members of the family are bad. Brother Facili-Tate is quite helpful in church matters. And a delightful, happy member of the family is Miss Felici-Tate. Cousins Cogi-Tate and Medi-Tate always think things over and lend helpful, steady hands. And of course there is the black sheep of the family, Ampu-Tate, who has completely cut himself off from the church.

How about you - do you know anyone in the "Tate" family?



-------
For those who did not get the humor the first time around, here is the key

Dic-Tate = dictate
Ro-Tate = Rotate
Agi-Tate = Agitate
Irri-Tate = Irritate
Hesi-Tate = Hesitate
Vege-Tate = Vegetate
Imi-Tate = Imitate
Devas-Tate = Devastate
Poten-Tat = Potentate
Facili-Tate = Facilitate
Felici-Tate = Felicitate
Cogi-Tate = Cogitate
Medi-Tate = Meditate
Ampu-Tate = Amputate

... and I can clearly see me being the black sheep of the Tate family.

.



Thursday, June 13, 2013

Men talk

"I'M GOING FISHING"
Means: "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

"IT'S A GUY THING"
Means: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
Means: "Why isn't dinner already on the table?"

"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR..."
Means: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
Means: "I have no idea how it works."

"I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. I JUST HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND."
Means: "I was busy admiring that redhead over there."

"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU ARE WORKING TOO HARD."
Means: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
Means: "Are you still talking?"

"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
Means: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES."
Means: "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

"OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
Means: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I am hurt."

"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING."
Means: "And I sure hope I think of some pretty good reasons soon."

"I CAN'T FIND IT."
Means: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
Means: "What did you catch me at?"

"I HEARD YOU."
Means: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE"
Means: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC."
Means: "Please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving."

"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
Means: "No one will ever see us alive again."

.

Thursday, June 6, 2013

Culture


Two Americans were vacationing in India, and hiking through a jungle. One afternoon, they came across a hungry tiger who was about to chase them.

Soon, one of the guys sat down and tightened his shoe lace. The other asked, "Do you really think you can run faster than this tiger?"

The first American replied, " I don't have to run faster than the tiger. Instead, all I have to do is just run faster than you."

No doubt, the two of them were well versed with the culture of Corporate America.

Friday, May 31, 2013

Toddler rules



Many of my friends happen to be toddlers. We all have gone through this stage at one time or the other. While dealing with these toddlers, one needs to remembers the rules they play by. 

Here are top toddler 10 rules of possession. 

1. If I like it, it’s mine.

2. If it’s in my hand, it’s mine.

3. If I can take it from you, it’s mine.

4. If I had it a little while ago, it’s mine.

5. If it’s mine, it must NEVER appear to be yours in anyway.

6. If I’m doing or building something, all the pieces are mine.

7. If it looks just like mine, it is mine.

8. If I saw it first, it’s mine.

9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.

10. If it’s broken, it’s yours.


Monday, May 27, 2013

Call Center


Kumar was trying to get a job in one of the call centers in India. The Personnel Manager said, “Kumar, you have passed all the tests, except one on your grasp of the English language. Unless you pass it, you cannot qualify for this job.”

Kumar said, “Me ready.”

The manager said, “In one sentence use the words ‘yellow’, ‘pink’ and ‘green’.”

Kumar said, “Telephone goes green, green, and I pink it up, and say, ‘Yellow, this is Kumar, can I help you'?”

Kumar now works at a call center in New Delhi.

We all must have spoken to Kumar at one time or the other.