Saturday, July 2, 2011

Hunting


Three friends decided to go hunting together. One was a lawyer, one a doctor, and the other a preacher. As they were walking, along came a big buck. The three of them shot at the same time and the buck dropped immediately. The hunting party rushed to see how big it actually was. Upon reaching the fallen deer, they found out that it was dead but had only one bullet hole in the side of the head.

A debate followed concerning whose buck it was. When a game warden came by, he offered to help. A few moments later, he had the answer.

He said with much confidence, “The pastor shot the buck!”

The friends were amazed that he could determine that so quickly and with so little examination.

The game warden smiled and said, “It was easy to figure out. The bullet went in one ear and out the other.”

.

Friday, July 1, 2011

Integrity


Don’t compromise your integrity by looking for outward approval. To be true to yourself, you should seek the approval of you and your God alone.

For you are exceptional. You are gifted. You are talented. You are unique. You are chosen. You are born for a time such as this.

You have entered planet earth in order to complete mission possible. You have been endowed with a brain that is filled with ideas that are yet to be formulated. You have passion and need to discover how to channel the fire planted within your belly in the direction that your destiny should unfold.

You were born to dream. You were formed to be the visionary who will seek out the purpose for which you were created.

No matter what task you undertake, you have been designed to complete it with a spirit of excellence. To compete against your best efforts to date is your goal.

It doesn’t matter whether others approve or disapprove of who you are or of what you do. Your responsibility is to do your best – to please yourself and to bring a smile on your creator’s face.

So be proud of who you are and what you have achieved.

For no matter what quantity of talent you have been endowed with – use it, develop it, trade with it, expand it all the days of your life – and maintain your integrity by only ever seeking inward and upward approval.

.

Few definitions


ABDICATE: to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

ADULT: One who has stopped growing at both ends and now grows middle.

BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye.

CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people.

CHICKENS: The only creatures you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COFFEE: a person who is coughed upon.

COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

FLABBERGASTED: appalled over how much weight you have gained.

FLATULENCE: the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

FRISBEETARIANISM: The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.

GARGOYLE: an olive-flavored mouthwash.

HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage.

INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

LYMPH: to walk with a lisp.

MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.

OYSTER: a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.

SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.

TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.

WRINKLES: Something other people have. You have character lines!

.

Thursday, June 30, 2011

Comparison game


Our society today is caught up in the comparison game. Keeping up with other families seems to be the goal of many people. Our children compare clothes and video games.  In their own little minds, they see adults comparing cars, houses, family vacations, children's grades, etc.. Among adults, moral ethics is also compromised because "my boss does it" or "the guy at church does it."

But you and I both know that doesn't make it right. Too many times, we justify our actions because we are comparing ourselves to the wrong measure.

God's Word gives us the proper standard; all else will fall short of the goal. "And you shall do what is right and good in the sight of the Lord…" - Deuteronomy 6:18

Sometimes life requires us to stand up for truth and be counted. Sometimes we must choose between immediate gratification or a denial of self. Sometimes we simply must go against the flow because our goal is to please God, not our friends. In the long run, we will be a better person and will be blessed for it.

It's really pretty simple. Just stand up for the truth and do what's right.

.


Wednesday, June 29, 2011

20 extra years


.

Swimming in the pond


At the rear of his farm, an old farmer had a large pond which had been developed for swimming some years back. The area around it was fixed up nice with some picnic tables by it, as well as a couple of horseshoe courts.

The old farmer hadn't been to the pond for quite awhile, so late one afternoon he decided to go back and look it over. As he neared the pond, he heard shouting and laughing. As he got closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim or make you get out of the pond naked. I only came to feed the alligator."

Moral: Old age and treachery will triumph over youth and inexperience.

.

Monday, June 27, 2011

Clergy Collar


A minister, wearing a “clergy collar”, visited the church day care.

The little children were quite concerned at this odd looking outfit. One little girl asked if he had a “boo-boo” on his neck and asked him how he got hurt.

The pastor smiled and took the white plastic collar insert out and handed it around to the pre-schoolers. A little boy felt the embossed letters (name of the manufacturer) on it and asked what that meant.

One of the other children piped up saying, “I know**! It says ‘Kills ticks and fleas for up to six months.’”




** The kid was refering to the pet collar familiar at home - particularly the one being used by the cat to kill ticks and fleas.


.

Sunday, June 26, 2011

Differences


If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race... you're a male chauvinist.
If you stay home and do the housework... you're a poofter.

If you work too hard... there's never any time for her.
If you don't work enough... you're a good-for-nothing lazy guy.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay... this is exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay... you should find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her... that is favouritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you... its equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks.... its sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet... it's male indifference.

If you cry... you're a wimp.
If you don't... you're an insensitive moron.

If you make a decision without consulting her... you're a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you... she's a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy... that's domination.
If she asks you... it's a favor.

If you try to keep yourself in shape... you're vain.
If you don't... you're a slob.

If you buy her flowers... you're after something.
If you don't... you're not thoughtful.

If she has a headache... she's tired.
If you have a headache... you don't love her anymore.

.


Funny signs


In a Birmingham department store:
Bargain basement upstairs.

In a Norwich office:
Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday please bring it back Or further steps will be taken.

In an Swindon office:
After tea break staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on The draining board.

Outside a Chester secondhand shop:
We exchange anything - bicycles, washing machines, etc. why not bring Your wife along and get a wonderful bargain?

Notice in Cambridge health food shop window:
Closed due to illness.

In a Leicester laundromat:
Automatic washing machines: please remove all your clothes when the Light Goes out.

Spotted in a toilet of a London office:
Toilet out of order. Please use floor below.

Spotted in a Longleat safari park:
Elephants! Please stay in your car.

Seen during a Blackpool conference:
For anyone who has children and doesn't know it, there is a day care on The first floor.

Notice in a field in Wiltshire:
The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull Charges.

Message on a leaflet in reading:
If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons.

On a repair shop door in Newcastle-on-Tyne:
We can repair anything. (please knock hard on the door - the bell Doesn't work)

.