Saturday, February 5, 2011

Two line rhyme

A Washington Post competition asked for a two-line rhyme with the most romantic first line and the least romantic second line.  Here is what contestants came up with:

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife
Marrying you has screwed up my life.

I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.

Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
But I only slept with you 'cause I was pissed.

I thought that I could love no other
That is until I met your brother...

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.

I want to feel your sweet embrace;
But don't take that paper bag off your face.

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in, to smell this way?

My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe 'Go to hell.'


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Friday, February 4, 2011

The best gift



Four men died at the same time and were sent to Heaven.  When they reached the gates, St. Peter told them that he would take them to see God.  “Make sure to bring an offering,” he added.

Peter then led them to the throne of the Almighty, and one by one, the men laid down their gifts at the feet of God.  “Lord,” said the first man.  “I offer You pure, untainted gold.”  The Lord nodded with acknowledgement, but His countenance did not change.  The man was somewhat disappointed with God’s lack of reaction or gratitude, but he stepped aside and said nothing.

The second man came forward.  “Lord,” he said, sure that his gift would please God.  “I bring You frankincense from the east, a precious gift.”  Again, God nodded, but His expression did not change.  This man was also disappointed, but he didn’t say anything.

The third man came forth.  “See, Lord,” he said.  “I have brought You myrrh.” The Lord did the same thing as He had for the first two, and the man walked away sullenly.

Finally, the third man walked up cautiously.  “Lord,” he said in a voice that was strong and clear despite his nervousness.  “I have not brought You fine incense or gold.  I haven’t brought You the best that money can buy.  No, instead, Lord, I give you my soul.”  The man held nothing back as he gave his soul to God.

When he looked up, he saw that God was smiling at him; a warm and loving smile. “This,” the Lord said.  “is the best gift anyone ever could have given Me.”

God doesn’t care about material items.  All He wants are our hearts, our souls. When we surrender ourselves to God and His Word, we are giving Him the best gift.

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Thursday, February 3, 2011

Look into your heart


When the pain of the world,
has brought you down,
The Love of the Lord
Is always around.
His Love is so true
because it is always there
to guide you in all you do.
When it seems as though
you are alone
He will know
How to guide you home.
When you are sad
reach into your heart
He is always glad
to do his part.
Take comfort in his loving arms
He is always there
to keep you safe from harm.


Credits: Becca Hendrick
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Year of the Rabit

2011 - The year of the Rabbit

Today, Feb 3rd is the Chinese New Year.  According to an article I read, here is what they have to say about the Chinese New Year:

A placid year, very much welcomed and needed after the ferocious year of the Tiger. We should go off to some quiet spot to lick our wounds and get some rest after all the battles of the previous year.

Good taste and refinement will shine on everything and people will acknowledge that persuasion is better than force. A congenial time in which diplomacy, international relations and politics will be given a front seat again. We will act with discretion and make reasonable concessions without too much difficulty.

A time to watch out that we do not become too indulgent. The influence of the Rabbit tends to spoil those who like too much comfort and thus impair their effectiveness and sense of duty.

Law and order will be lax; rules and regulations will not be rigidly enforced. No one seems very inclined to bother with these unpleasant realities. They are busy enjoying themselves, entertaining others or simply taking it easy. The scene is quiet and calm, even deteriorating to the point of somnolence. We will all have a tendency to put off disagreeable tasks as long as possible

Money can be made without too much labor. Our life style will be languid and leisurely as we allow ourselves the luxuries we have always craved for. A temperate year with unhurried pace. For once, it may seem possible for us to be carefree and happy without too many annoyances.

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Beatitudes for Home


BLESSED are the husband and wife who continue to be affectionate and considerate, loving after the wedding bells have ceased ringing.

BLESSED are the husband and wife who are as polite and courteous to one another as they are to their friends.

BLESSED are they who have a sense of humor, for this attribute will be a handy shock absorber.

BLESSED are they who love their mates more than any other person in the world and who joyfully fulfill their marriage vows of lifetime of fidelity and mutual helpfulness to one another.

BLESSED are they who attain parenthood, for children are a heritage of the Lord.

BLESSED are they who remember to thank God for their food before they partake of it, and who set apart some time each day for the reading of the Bible and for prayer.

BLESSED are those mates who never speak loudly to one another and who make their home a place where “seldom is heard a discouraging word”.

BLESSED are the husband and wife who faithfully attend the worship service of the church and who work together in the church for the advancement of Christ’s Kingdom.

BLESSED are the husband and wife who can work out problems of adjustments without interference from relatives.

BLESSED is the couple who has a complete understanding about financial matters and who has worked out a perfect partnership with all money under the control of both.

BLESSED are the husband and wife who humbly dedicate their lives and their home to Christ and who practice the teachings of Christ in the home by being unselfish, loyal, and loving.

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Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Homonyms


A homonym is, in the strict sense, one of a group of words that share the same spelling and the same pronunciation but have different meanings. Here are few for you to read.

How does a moose begin a letter to his cousin?
Dear deer

What is a complete opening in the ground?
A whole hole

What is a smelly chicken?
Foul fowl

What do you call a less expensive bird?
A cheaper cheeper

Who is married to Uncle Beetle?
Aunt Ant

What does a broken window feel?
A pain in the pane

What do you call a bucket that has seen a ghost?
A pale pail

What on your face is first aware of a good smell?
A nose knows

What is a large animal with thick fun but no clothes on?
A bare bear

What is perfume that is mailed?
Sent scent

What is a weird street of shops that sell incredible things?
bazaar bizarre

Two ran the race, but only . . .
One won.

What is a reddish-purple vegetable that is all worn out?
A beat beet

What will a foot doctor do for you?
He’ll heal your heel

If they are not here, where are they?
They’re there

What is a rabbit fur?
Hare hair

When two couples go to a restaurant together, they ask for a table . . .
For four

What are nervous little outdoor cloth houses?
Tense tents

What do you use to make blossom bread and petal pie?
Flower flour

If you don’t listen over there, where should you listen?
Hear here!

What does the man who looks at oceans do all day?
Sees seas

If a big rock is brave, what do you call one that’s even braver?
A bolder boulder

What is clam strength?
Mussel muscle

What is a string of jewels for someone with no neck?
A neckless necklace

What do you call the sharp, curved nails on a crab who is playing Santa?
Clause claws

What is a great accomplishment using the ends of your legs?
A feet feat

What does a female deer use for baking?
Doe dough

What is a sailor’s bellybutton?
A naval navel

How do you say, “Make that wool into a sweater, little insect!”
“Knit, nit!”

What is a good-looking, horse-drawn carriage?
A handsome hansom

Where do MD’s park their yachts?
A Doc dock

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A special day


Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, “I’ll bet you don’t know what day this is?”

“Of course I do,” he answered as if he was offended, and left for the office.

The doorbell rang at 10 a.m., and when the wife opened the door, she was handed a box of a dozen long stemmed red roses. At 1:00 p.m., a foil-wrapped, two-pound box of her favorite chocolates was delivered. Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress.

The woman couldn’t wait for her husband to come home. “First the flowers, then the chocolates and then the dress!” she exclaimed.

“I’ve never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my life!”

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Happy Groundhog Day.

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Mis-Translations


Acapulco hotel sign: The manager has personally passed all the water served here.

Athens Hotel: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 daily.

Athens, Greece hotel: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.

Austrian hotel catering to skiers: Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.

Bangkok dry cleaners: Drop your trousers here for best results.

Bangkok temple: It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.

Belgrade hotel elevator: To move the cabin, push botton for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.

Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.

Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

Copenhagen airline ticket office: WE take your bags and send them in all directions.

Czechoslovakian tourist agency: Take one of our horse-driven city tours--we guarantee no miscarriages.

Denmark: in a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions.

Finnish washroom faucet: To stop the drip, turn cock to right.

German/Austria: a sign in a hotel catering to skiers read Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.

German/Germany: in a Leipzig elevator: Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.

Germany's Black forest sign: It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.

Hong Kong supermarket: For your convenience, we recommend courageous, efficient self-service.

Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

Istanbul hotel corridor sign: Please to evacuate in hall especially which is accompanied by rude noises.

Japanese hotel room: Please to bathe inside the tub.

Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

Japanese information booklet about a hotel air conditioner: Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of war in your room, please control yourself.

Kyushi, Japan Detour sign: Stop: Drive Sideways.

London department store: Bargain basement upstairs.

London office: After tea break staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board.

Majorcan shop entrance: English well talking.

Majorcan shop entrance: Here speeching American.

Moscow hotel lobby across from a Russian Orthodox monastery: You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists and writers are buried daily except Thursday.

Moscow hotel room door: If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.

Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

Paris dress shop: Dresses for street walking.

Paris hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the front desk.

Rhodes tailor shop: Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.

Roman doctor's office: Specialist in women and other diseases.

Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

Sweden: in the window of a Swedish furrier: Fur coats made for ladies from their own skin.

Swiss mountain inn: Special today -- no ice cream.

Thailand: an ad for donkey rides asked Would you like to ride on your own ass?.

Tokyo bar: Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.

Tokyo hotel: Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not person to do such thing is please not to read this notice.

Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you’ll find they are best in the long run.

Vienna, Austria hotel: In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter.

Yugoslavia: a sign in a hotel read The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid. Turn to her straightaway.

Yugoslavia: in the Europa Hotel, in Sarajevo, you will find this message on every door: Guests should announce the abandonment of theirs rooms before 12 o'clock, emptying the room at the latest until 14 o'clock, for the use of the room before 5 at the arrival or after the 16 o'clock at the departure, will be billed as one night more..

Zurich hotel: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.

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Man's head - solved


Monday, January 31, 2011

Man's head


Doctors have concluded that if you find the man in the coffee beans in 3 seconds, the right half of your brain is better developed than most people.

If you find the man between 3 seconds and 1 minute, the right half of the brain is developed normally.

If you find the man between 1 minute and 3 minutes, then the right half of your brain is functioning slowly and you need to eat more protein.

If you have not found the man after 3 minutes, look for more of this type of exercise to make that part of the brain stronger.

Oh yeah - the man's head is in the image, and I was able to spot it!  If you are unable to spot it, don't worry - I shall publish the answer tomorrow.  

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Sunday, January 30, 2011

Lines from Resume

I am very detail-oreinted.

My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable.

Thank you for your consideration. Hope to hear from you shorty!

Enclosed is a ruff draft of my resume.

It's best for employers that I not work with people.

Here are my qualifications for you to overlook.

I am a quick leaner, dependable, and motivated.

If this resume doesn't blow your hat off, then please return it in the enclosed envelope.

My fortune cookie said, "Your next interview will result in a job." And I like your company in particular.

You hold in your hands the resume of a truly outstanding candidate!

I saw your ad on the information highway, and I came to a screeching halt.

Insufficient writing skills, thought processes have slowed down some. If I am not one of the best, I will look for another opportunity.

Please disregard the attached resume -- it is terribly out of date.

Seek challenges that test my mind and body, since the two are usually inseparable.

Reason for leaving last job: The owner gave new meaning to the word paranoia. I prefer to elaborate privately.

Previous experience: Self-employed--a fiasco.

Exposure to German for two years, but many words are inappropriate for business.

My experience in horticulture is well-rooted.

Experience: Watered, groomed, and fed the family dog for years.

I am a rabid typist.

Education: College, August 1880 - May 1984.

I have a bachelorette degree in computers.

Excellent memory; strong math aptitude; excellent memory; effective management skills; and very good at math.

Graduated in the top 66% of my class.

Accomplishments: Completed 11 years of high school.

Strengths: Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer.

Special skills: Experienced with numerous office machines and can make great lattes.

I worked as a Corporate Lesion.

Special Skills: Speak English.

Served as assistant sore manager.

Reason for leaving last job: Pushed aside so the vice president's girlfriend could steal my job.

Married, eight children. Prefer frequent travel.

Education: B.A. in Loberal Arts.

Objective: To have my skills and ethics challenged on a daily basis.

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The meaning of friendship


If I am feeling cross,
And you cross my mind,
I know I can grin and bear it
When a happy day comes,
You’re always the one,
That I want to be with to share it
You’re a friend for all seasons,
One of a kind,
And I want you to know it is true
That my life has been richer,
Because I have found,
The meaning of friendship in you.

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Is Your Jesus Worth Dying For?


'Is Your Jesus Worth Dying For' - is the the story of Cassie Bernall.
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As Cassie entered the ninth grade, her mom Misty just “had that gut feeling that something was wrong. I couldn’t pinpoint it, but I just knew something was wrong. I didn’t feel like either I nor my husband had any connection with her.”

Desperate for answers, Misty began to search Cassie’s room regularly, and on one occasion was shocked to discover evidence that her daughter had developed an interest in witchcraft, drugs and alcohol. Facing the trauma of how to deal with their troubled teen, Cassie’s parents decided that the only way to stop their daughter from making more bad decisions was to make a few good choices for her.

So, they began making changes. For starters, they transferred Cassie to a new school–Columbine High School, in suburban Littleton, Colorado. They also kept closer tabs on her friends, her attitudes, and her study habits. In general, they put their foot down, and said, “Cassie, it stops here. You must now choose to take responsibility for your life.”

Cassie began to respond - positively…new friends, new attitudes. One of the new friends was Dave McPherson, youth pastor at West Bowles Community Church. McPherson admitted to the Denver Post that, when he first saw Cassie, he thought to himself, “There’s no hope for that girl. Not our kind of hope.” The joyless look on her face, the monosyllabic speech which came from her lips — all of it suggested that perhaps Cassie was just “too far gone.”

One weekend, though, McPherson encouraged Cassie to accompany the church youth on retreat, and, with her parents’ enthusiastic permission, she agreed. That weekend which changed Cassie’s life. Said Brad, her father, “When she left, she was this gloomy, head-down, say-nothing youth. When she came back, her eyes were open and bright and she was bouncy and just excited about what had happened to her and was just so excited to tell us. It was like she was in a dark room, and somebody turned the light on, and she saw the beauty that was surrounding her.” Said Misty, “She looked at me in the eye and she said, “Mom, I’ve changed. I’ve totally changed. I know you’re not going to believe it, but I’ll prove it to you.’”

The “light” that had been turned on in 17-year-old Cassie’s life was the light of the Lord Jesus Christ, whom she had trusted as her personal Lord and Savior at that church retreat. Jesus changed Cassie-from the inside out. A deep-down, 100-percent kind of transformation, like Paul spoke of in Romans 12:2 when he exhorted us, “be transformed by the renewing of your minds!” Gone was the preoccupation with the occult; instead, Cassie began to spend her spare time, along with her new Christian friends, ministering at Denver’s inner-city Victoria Outreach Church, serving dinner to prostitutes and drug addicts as part of that church’s mission ministry. Cassie even planned to cut off her cornsilk-colored hair that hung halfway down her back, so that it could be given to “someone who makes wigs for kids who are going through chemotherepy,” according to her aunt, Kayleen.

One night, Cassie spoke of her newfound hope for the future with her mom. She said, “Mom, it would be OK if I died. I’d be in a better place, and you know where I’d be.” The same girl who, just a couple years before, had been spinning on the edge, in danger of falling into hopelessness. Jesus change her-she was living life sacrificially in Jesus’ name, and she was ready to die as a child of the Lord Jesus.

On Sunday night, April 18, Cassie stood up and gave her testimony to her youth group at church. She told them, “You really can’t live without Christ. It’s, like, impossible to really have a really true life without Him.” Cassie was ready. With her life–and with death, if necessary.

Two days after that, Cassie was sitting in the library of Columbine High School when Eric Harris and Dylan Kelbold burst in with homemade pipe-bombs and guns. They knew who she was; she’d made no secret of her newfound faith.

The Bible stacked on top of her textbooks, along with the WWJD (”What Would Jesus Do?”) bracelet around her wrist, clearly marked Cassie as one of the “Christians” of Columbine High.

“Do you believe in God?” was the question which was posed to her by that young member of the self-proclaimed “Trenchcoat Mofia.” Her friend, Keven Koeniger, later said that Cassie paused for a long moment. He said, “I think she knew she was going to die.”

Finally, the response came: “Yes, I believe in God.” The trigger was pulled.

You think the question, “Are you ready to die for Jesus?” isn’t an urgent one? Just ask Cassie Bernall. Ask her parents. Misty and Brad said, “We looked at each other and we said, ‘Would I have done that? I would have begged for my life!’ She didn’t.

Cassie Bernall’s brother Chris found this poem on her desk. It was the last poem she wrote before she died.

“Now I have given up on everything else.
I have found it to be the only way
To really know Christ
And to experience the Mighty power
That brought Him back to life again
And to find out what it means
to suffer and die with Him.
So, whatever it takes
I will be one who lives
In the fresh newness of life
Of those who are alive from the dead”

Is your Jesus worth dying for?


Credits: Tiffany Fate