Saturday, January 15, 2011

Mothers say

Paul Revere's mother:
"I don't care where you think you have to go, young man. Midnight is past your curfew!"

Mona Lisa's mother:
"After all that money your father and I spent on braces, Mona, that's the biggest smile you can give us?"

Humpty Dumpty's mother:
"Humpty, if I've told you once, I've told you a hundred times not to sit on that wall. But would you listen to me? Nooo!"

Columbus' mother:
"I don't care what you've discovered, Christopher. You still could have written!"

Michelangelo's mother:
"Mike, can't you paint on walls like other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?"

Napoleon's mother:
"All right, napoleon. If you aren't hiding your report card inside your jacket, then take your hand out of there and prove it!"

Custer's mother:
"Now, George, remember what I told you - don't go biting off more than you can chew!"

Abraham Lincoln's mother:
"Again with the stovepipe hat, abe? Can't you just wear a baseball cap like the other kids?"

Barney's mother:
"I realize strained plums are your favorite, Barney, but you're starting to look a little purple."

Batman's mother:
"It's a nice car, Bruce, but do you realize how much the insurance is going to be?"

Goldilocks' mother:
"I've got a bill here for a busted chair from the bear family. You know anything about this, Goldie?"

Little miss Muffet's mother:
"Well, all I've got to say is if you don't get off your Tuffet and start cleaning your room, there'll be a lot more spiders around here!"

Albert Einstein's mother:
"But, Albert, it's your senior picture. Can't you do something about your hair? Styling gel, mousse, something...?"

George Washington's mother:
"The next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!"

Jonah's mother:
"That's a nice story, but now tell me where you've really been for the last three days."

Superman's mother:
"Clark, your father and I have discussed it, and we've decided you can have your own cell phone. Now will you quit spending so much time in all those phone booths?"

Thomas Edison's mother:
"Of course I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb, Thomas. Now turn off that light and get to bed!"


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Pick a dessert


If all of the desserts listed below were sitting in front of you which would you choose? Pick your dessert, and then look to see what psychiatrists think about you! Sorry you can only pick one.

Angel food cake
Brownies
Lemon Meringue pie
Vanilla cake with chocolate icing
Strawberry short cake
Chocolate icing on chocolate cake
Ice cream
Carrot cake

No. You can't change your mind once you scroll down, so think carefully what your choice will be!

Scroll down to see what the results are.









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Angel Food Cake: Sweet, loving, cuddly. You love all warm and fuzzy items. A little nutty at times. Sometimes you need an ice cream cone at the end of the day.. others perceive you as being childlike and immature at times.

Brownies: You are adventurous, love new ideas, and are a champion of underdogs and a slayer of dragons. When tempers flare up, you whip out your saber. You are always the oddball with a unique sense of humor and direction. You tend to be very loyal.

Lemon Meringue: Smooth, sexy, and articulate with your hands, you are an excellent after-dinner speaker and a good teacher. But don't try to walk and chew gum at the same time. A bit of a diva at times, but you have many good friends.

Vanilla Cake with chocolate icing: Fun loving, sassy, humorous. Not very grounded in life; very indecisive and lack motivation. Everyone enjoys being around you. You are a practical joker. Others should be cautious in making you mad. However, you are a friend for life.

Strawberry Shortcake: Romantic, warm, loving. You care about other people and can be counted on in a pinch. you also tend to melt. You can be overly emotional at times. And sometimes can be annoying.

Chocolate on chocolate: Sexy; always ready to give and receive. Very adventurous, ambitious, and passionate. You can appear to have a cold exterior but are warm on the inside. Not afraid to take chances. Will not settle for anything average in life. Love to laugh.

Ice Cream: You like sports, whether it is baseball, football, basketball, or soccer. If you could, you would like to participate, but you enjoy watching sports. You don't like to give up the remote control. You tend to be self-centered and high maintenance.

Carrot Cake: You are a very fun loving person, who likes to laugh. You are fun to be with. People like to hang out with you. You are a very warm hearted person and a little quirky at times. You have many loyal friends.

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Common factor

Can you figure out what these words have in common?

Assess
Banana
Dresser
Grammar
Potato
Revive
Uneven

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Answers tomorrow.

If you already figured it out, feel free to post your response.

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Overcoming difficulties in life


Every role we take up in life is paved with difficulty.  There are few positions in life in which difficulties have not to be encountered. These difficulties are, however, our best instructors, as our mistakes often form our best experience.

We learn wisdom from failure more than from success. When stuck with a failure, we think a lot and discover what to do and what not to do.

When we get lost in our neighborhood, we get acquainted with our surroundings.  The more we get lost in our neighborhood, the better our understanding about those landmarks and roads.

Great thoughts, discoveries, inventions have very generally been nurtured in hardship, often pondered over in sorrow and established with difficulty.

If God gives us difficulty, it's only to make us strong.  It's because He loves us and it's a form of growing up.

When faced with difficulties, here are few tips:

1. Do not Blame Others.
Man's instinct is often to blame our problems on others. Adam blamed Eve and Eve blamed somebody else; but by blaming others we do not help, even an iota, in solving our own problems. Often when we blame others we actually seek to avoid the problem, and pass it on to somebody else. Even if others are partly to blame, we need to look at what we can do to help the situation.

2. Accept difficulties as a challenge
Part of the problem is that often we feel that difficulties are a burden we need to avoid at all cost. If we accept difficulties, as challenges that we can learn from, then they lose a significant power. When we cheerfully face up to our problems, we develop the right attitude to be able to deal with them.

3. Meditation
Meditation can help us to deal with outer problems and difficulties. Meditation is the art of silencing the mind. With a silent mind we are able to have clarity of thought and purpose; this is essential for being able to solve our difficulties. Also, the mind often exaggerates the extent and seriousness of our problems; in fact quite often our difficulties can be just imagined worries and anxieties. Through meditation we are able to dive deep within and bring to the fore our inner peace. This inner peace is of great help in keeping our difficulties in perspective.

4. Prayer
When we pray we invoke the grace of a higher prayer. In prayer we seek to have our difficulties removed, acknowledging that we alone cannot solve our own problems. The most effective prayer is when we don't demand a certain outcome. Jesus Christ uttered the highest prayer when he said: "Let Thy Will be done". Quite often our prayers may get answered in a way we do not expect. To pray to have no difficulties is to seek to avoid life; to pray for protection from unnecessary difficulties is a different matter.

5. Deal with one Problem at a time
It sometimes occurs that difficulties arrive all at once; faced with a range of problems it feels hopeless to solve any at all. If we take one problem at a time, we can actually make progress in dealing with our seemingly, insurmountable problems.

6. Seek guidance from Others
There is nothing to say we need to solve problems on our own; we should not be too proud to seek help from others. Sometimes, speaking to a friend may help us to work out for ourselves what we need to do. There is an old saying "A problem shared, is a problem halved" there is a lot of truth in this. Although, ultimately we have to face our own difficulties, there is no reason we have to do it without help from others.


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Friday, January 14, 2011

Altar Guidelines

Recently I distributed the guidelines to be followed in the Altar, to those who serve there. I obtained this file from the diocese website.

Click here to download a copy.

Further, there are few additional items specific to our parish, which I have not documented electronically yet.

Note: Starting yesterday, google disabled the feature of uploading files to google groups - which we used to do at Sunday school in the past.  I am still figuring out a way to make the download easier and convenient.  If you run into issues while viewing/downloading, do notify me.

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Proving it to him

An aristocratic lady was walking down the streets of NYC when she was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked her for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The lady took out her wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago", the homeless woman told.

"Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?" asked the lady.

"No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?" the lady asked.

"Are you NUTS?"' replied the homeless woman. "I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!"

"Well," the lady said, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight."

The homeless Woman was shocked. "Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty and shabby, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The lady said, "That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, wine, and hair appointments."

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Pretty good

A man and his ten-year-old son were on a fishing trip miles from home. At the boy's insistence, they decided to attend the Sunday worship service at an orthodox church.

As they walked back to their car after the service, the father was filled with complaints. "The service was too long," he lamented. "The sermon was boring, and the singing was off key."

Finally the boy said, "Dad, we also got caught up with the social gossip, and don't forget - we had lunch there too.  I thought overall it was pretty good for a dollar."

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Thursday, January 13, 2011

Who is he?


I liked this image from the first time I saw him.
Look at his eyes - do you notice his cool relaxed look.
His hair looks well groomed, unlike how my hair stands up sometimes.  He has hairs all over his body.
His eyebrows are well formed and in the shape of an arch.
Nose needs no mention; he is proud of his nose.
Thin lips and notice the way he holds his mouth - tight lipped as if he is biting his front teeth.
He is interested in books, and check out what he's learning.  Or is he teaching someone?
Even though he is short sighted, he is not shy to use reading glasses.
Look at his face, and don't you get the message, "No monkey business."
Do you get scared at this image - not me.
Looks cute to me - I could use it as a profile picture on days I feel like him.
:-)

I kinda named him 'Waldo'.

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Communication

Programmer to Team Leader:

"We can't do this proposed project.  **CAN NOT**  It will involve a major design change and no one in our team knows the design of this legacy system.  And above that, nobody in our company knows the language in which this application has been written.  So even if somebody wants to work on it, they can't.  If you ask my personal opinion, the company should never take these type of projects."

Team Leader to Project Manager:

"This project will involve a design change.  Currently, we don't have any staff with experience in this type of work.  Also, the language is unfamiliar to us, so we will have to arrange for some training if we take this project.  In my personal opinion, we are not ready to take on a project of this nature."

Project Manager to 1st Level Management:

"This project involves a design change in the system and we don't have much experience in that area.  Also, not many people in our company are appropriately trained for it.  In my personal opinion, we might be able to do the project, but we would need more time than usual to complete it."

1st Level Management to Senior Level Management:

"This project involves design re-engineering.  We have some people who have worked in this area and others who know the implementation language.  So they can train other people.  In my personal opinion, we should take this project, but with caution."

Senior Level Management to CEO:

"This project will demonstrate to the industry our capabilities in remodeling the design of a complete legacy system.  We have all the necessary skills and people to execute this project successfully.  Some people have already given in-house training in this area to other staff members.  In my personal opinion, we should not let this project slip by us under any circumstances."

CEO to Client:

"This is the type of project in which our company specializes.  We have executed many projects of the same nature for many large clients.  Trust me when I say that we are the most competent firm in the industry for doing this kind of work. It is my personal opinion that we can execute this project successfully and well within the given time frame."

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Would you?

Would you have said these things yourself?  Listen to what some popular people have said:

Question:  If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer:  "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever."
--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest

"Whenever I watch TV and watch those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry.  I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
--Mariah Carey

"Smoking kills.  If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life."
--Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body."
--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country."
--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, D.C.

"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers.  We are the president!"
--Hilary Clinton, First Lady, commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents

"China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese."
--Former French President Charles De Gaulle

"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment.  It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
--Al Gore, Vice President

"I love California.  I practically grew up in Phoenix."
--Dan Quayle

"We've got to pause and ask ourselves:  how much clean air do we need?"
--Lee Iacocca

"The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football.  A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
--Joe Theismann, NFL football quarterback and sports analyst

"We don't necessarily discriminate.  We simply exclude certain types of people."
--Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC instructor

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
--Bill Clinton, President

"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
--Al Gore, Vice President

"I haven't committed a crime.  What I did was fail to comply with the law."
--David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes

"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."
--Keppel Enderbery, former Australian cabinet member

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away.  May God bless you.  You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
--Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina

"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night.  And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."
--Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

--
Naa - you would have spoken intelligently.
Aren't you smiling?

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Appreciation

Tony attended the men's prayer breakfast and heard a visiting psychologist speak on the importance of showing appreciation to the important people in one's life. Tony decided to start with his wife, so after work that night, he went to the shopping mall where he bought a dozen long-stemmed roses, a box of chocolates, and a pair of earrings. He chortled with self-satisfaction as he contemplated surprising his wife and showing her how much he appreciated her.

He stood at the front door with the roses in his right hand, the gaily wrapped box of candy under his arm, an open jewelry box displaying the earring in his left hand. With an elbow he rang the doorbell. His wife came to the door, opened it, and stared at him for a long minute. Suddenly she burst into tears.

"Sweetheart, what's wrong?" asked the bewildered husband.

"It's been the worst day of my life," she answered. "First, Jimmy tried to flush his diaper down the toilet. Then Eric melted his plastic airplane in the oven. Then the dishwasher got clogged and overflowed all over the kitchen floor. Then Brittany came home from school with a note from the teacher saying that she beat up a boy in her class. And now you come home drunk!"


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In case you did not get it:
The wife thought the husband bought her roses, chocolates and earring because he was drunk, since he has seldom appreciated her.

Lesson learned: If we appreciate someone only one in a while, it's interpreted as entirely different.

Conclusion: Continue appreciating others, regardless of what the other person thinks.  One day it'll click them.

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Wednesday, January 12, 2011

2011 Lectionary


Are you interested in learning what's being read at the church every Sunday, including Old Testament, New Testament and the Gospel readings?

Download a copy of the 2011 lectionary.


PS: Post a comment and please let me know if the above link seems to be broken.

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Fried Eggs


A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen and started, "Careful. Careful! Put in some more butter! Oh my God! You're cooking too many at once. Too Many! Turn them! Turn them now! We need more butter. Oh my God! Where are we going to get more butter? They're going to stick! Careful. Careful! I said be careful! You never listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you crazy? Have you lost your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. Use the salt! The salt!"

The wife stared at him. "What the heck is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

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Goals and determination

The year was 1962. David Glass, who headed up a successful retail drug chain in Missouri, decided that he would go to the opening of Sam Walton's second store in Harrison, Arkansas. When he got there he found that Sam Walton had dumped a couple of truckloads of watermelons out front. He had donkeys in the parking lot for the children to ride. The temperature was 115. So many of the watermelons had popped from the heat and the donkeys had done what donkeys do.

"The parking lot was a mess," David Glass recalls. "And inside the new store, it was just more of the same mess." "I concluded that Sam Walton was a nice fellow," David Glass said, "but I wrote him off. It was the worst store operation I had ever seen."

Yet, the House of Morgan predicts that in 1991 Sam Walton will become the No. 1 merchant in the United States. Others predict it will take place in 1992. The wealth of his immediate family - in the stock of his chain stores is valued at $6.8 billion.

But David Glass remembers one thing: that even though Sam Walton was a nice fellow and he had written him off.  He said there was something about Sam Walton, something inside him that made him improve every day. And that may explain why David Glass was the new president of Sam Walton's chain. Something inside Sam Walton made him improve every day! The success of Sam Walton was not based on setting up ideals but on setting up goals.

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Few years ago, I read the autobiography of Sam Walton and is an essential read for every entrepreneur.  If you are interested and have time, feel free to borrow the book from me.



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Achieving Your Childhood Dreams



A 76 minute lecture by Randy Pausch worth watching.
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Love Laws

1. All the good ones are taken. If the person isn't taken, there's a reason.

2. The nicer someone is, the farther away (s)he is from you.

3. Brains X Beauty X Availability = Constant.

4. The amount of love someone feels for you is inversely proportional to how much you love them.

5. Money can't buy love, but it sure gets you a great bargaining position.

6. The best things in the world are free - and worth every penny of it.

7. Every kind action has a not-so-kind reaction.

8. Nice guys (girls) finish last.

9. If it seems too good to be true, it probably is.

10. Availability is a function of time. The minute you get interested is the minute they find someone else.


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Tuesday, January 11, 2011

11-1-11

Today is 11/1/11, or in English calendar 1/11/11 - a binary date.  According to the Washington post, 11/1/11 is a mystical date and there is some hidden supernatural ability.  It seems, kissing a clock today at 11:11 brings you good luck.

Oh well, if you missed it in the morning, try kissing in the evening!

Good Luck!

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Text Messaging






Credits: Readers Digest

The Letter

Wayne Newton and Elvis Presley were good friends. In his last engagement at the Las Vegas Hilton in December 1976, Elvis kept a pad by his bed, and wrote down his thoughts. This one night, he wrote especially personal thoughts, then crumpled it up and threw it away. The contents of the note were:

I feel so alone sometimes.
The night is quiet for me.
I'd love to be able to sleep.
I am glad that everyone is gone now.
I'll probably not rest.
I have no need for all this.
Help me, Lord.

An aide of Newton retrieved the note after he saw Elvis throw it away. When Newton saw the contents of the note, he was so moved that he purchased it.

Newton sings the entire content of Elvis' letter in a song titled 'The Letter.' Newton later said, "It reflects a man reaching to the ultimate for help. Once I digested it and got over the shock, I realized that it was feelings that I, too, had had at times," he says. "I realized that kind of loneliness creeps into everybody's life."



One more phone call from a friend
Just to say how hard it’s been
How their hopes and dreams have scattered
With the wind
They don’t see that I’m there too
How it breaks my heart in two
Just to make it through this night’s all I can do

Help me Lord
I need the sun to drive away
The shadows in my mind
Help me Lord
I need someone to guide me
When the path is hard to find
Even though the crowd surrounds me
I’m still standing all alone
When I know I can’t go on
Help me Lord

As I awake again today
And my pain won’t go away
And the face I have to wear
Shows a smile
Now my nights are so alone
I just wish I could go home
I don’t know if I can make it another mile

Help me Lord
I need the sun to drive away
The shadows in my mind
Please help me Lord
I need someone to guide me
When the path is hard to find
Even though the crowd surrounds me
I’m still standing all alone
When I know I can’t go on
Help me Lord

I feel so alone sometimes
The night is quiet for me
I’d love to be able to sleep
I am glad that everyone is gone now
I’ll probably not rest tonight
I have no need for all of this
Help me Lord

Help me Lord
I need the sun to drive away
The shadows in my mind
Please help me Lord
I need someone to guide me
When the path is hard to find
Even though the crowd surrounds me
God I am so all alone
When I know I can’t go on
Help me Lord

Won’t you come and take me home
Help me Lord.

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Credits: USA Today

Monday, January 10, 2011

Texting



Many Senior citizens received tech gadgets last holiday season and in order to stay in tune with their younger generation, texting is mandatory.

Here is some of the STC (Senior Texting Code)

ATD: At the Doctor’s
BFF: Best Friend’s Funeral
BTW: Bring the Wheelchair
BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth
CBM: Covered By Medicare
CUATSC: See You at the Senior Center
DWI: Driving While Incontinent
FWBB: Friend with Beta Blockers
FWIW: Forgot Where I Was
FYI: Found Your Insulin
GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!
GHA: Got Heartburn Again
HGBM: Had Good Bowel Movement
IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL: Living On Lipitor
LWO: Lawrence Welk’s On
OMMR: On My Massage Recliner
OMSG: Oh My! Sorry, Gas.
ROFL… CGU: Rolling On the Floor Laughing…. Can’t Get Up
TTYL: Talk to You Louder
WAITT: Who Am I Talking To?
WTFA: Wet the Furniture Again
WTP: Where’s the Prunes?
WWNO: Walker Wheels Need Oil

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A Rabbit on the swim team

Once upon a time, the animals decided they should do something meaningful to meet the problems of the new world. So they organized a school. They adopted an activity curriculum of running, climbing, swimming and flying. To make it easier to administer the curriculum, all the animals took all the subjects.

The duck was excellent in swimming; in fact, better than his instructor. But he made only passing grades in flying, and was very poor in running. Since he was slow in running, he had to drop swimming and stay after school to practice running. This caused his web feet to be badly worn, so that he was only average in swimming. But average was quite acceptable, so nobody worried about that - except the duck.

The rabbit started at the top of his class in running, but developed a nervous twitch in his leg muscles because of so much make-up work in swimming. The squirrel was excellent in climbing, but he encountered constant frustration in flying class because his teacher made him start form the ground up instead of from the treetop down. He developed "charlie horses" from overexertion, and so only got a C in climbing and a D in running. The eagle was a problem child and was severely disciplined for being a non-conformist. In climbing classes he beat all the others to the top of the tree, but insisted on using his own way to get there."

The moral of that story  - each creature has its own set of capabilities in which it will naturally excel -unless it is expected or forced to fill a mold that doesn't fit. When that happens, frustration, discouragement, and even guilt bring overall mediocrity or complete defeat. A duck is a duck -and only a duck. It is built to swim, not to run or fly and certainly not to climb. A squirrel is a squirrel - and only that. To move it out of its forte, climbing, and then expect it to swim or fly will drive a squirrel not. Eagles are beautiful creatures in the air but not in a foot race. The rabbit will win every time unless, of course, the eagle gets hungry.

What is true of creatures in the forest is true of Christians in the family; both the family of believers and the family under your roof. God has not made us all the same. He never intended to. It was He who planned and designed the differences, unique capabilities, and variations in the Body.

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Sunday, January 9, 2011

Catalog




Two young men from up in Alaska were looking at a J.Crew catalog and admiring the models.

Harry says to the Sven "Have you seen the beautiful girls in this catalog?"

Sven replies, "Yes, they are very beautiful. And look at the price!"

Harry says, with wide eyes, "Wow, they aren't very expensive. At this price, I'm buying one."

Sven smiles and pats him on the back, "Good idea! Order one and if she's as beautiful as she is in the catalogue, I will get one too."

Three weeks later, Sven asks his friend Harry, "Did you ever receive the girl you ordered from the J.Crew catalog?"

Harry replies, "No, but it shouldn't be long now. I got her clothes yesterday!"

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Baptism

The story is told that when the Gospel was first preached on the island of Barbados, several accepted the invitation to be baptized. When they arrived at the water for the baptismal service the women were dressed in nightgowns and the men in striped pajamas.

The missionaries were afraid this might be misunderstood and urged the candidates to change their clothes. They refuse. The missionaries allowed it reluctantly and decided to be sure this didn’t happen the next time. Before the next baptismal service, the missionaries attended a funeral and noticed the corpse was dressed in pajamas. It was explained, "We believe when a person dies, he goes to sleep, so we are buried in our sleep wear."

Then the missionary understood. The baptism had been explained as a burial and the candidates wore their burial clothes.

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Credits: C.Salmon