Saturday, October 2, 2010

The Perfect Story


A professor asked his students the following puzzle:

Once there was a perfect man who met a perfect woman.  After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding.  Their life together was, of course, perfect.

One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve this perfect couple was driving along a winding road when they noticed someone at the roadside in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys.  Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident.  Only one of them survived the accident. Who was the survivor?



The female students responded: The perfect woman.  She's the only one that really existed in  the first place.  Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.

The male students responded: So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving.  This explains why there was a car accident.

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The 3 Crosses



If you were to look at Rembrandt's painting of The Three Crosses, your attention would be drawn first to the center cross on which Jesus died. Then as you would look at the crowd gathered around the foot of that cross, you'd be impressed by the various facial expressions and actions of the people involved in the awful crime of crucifying the Son of God. Finally, your eyes would drift to the edge of the painting and catch sight of another figure, almost hidden in the shadows. Art critics say this is a representation of Rembrandt himself, for he recognized that by his sins he helped nail Jesus to the cross.

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PS: This was something I learned recently during my research about the Cross, which I thought of sharing with you.
:-)

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How to kill the church


Never go to your church or meetings held there,
If you do go, be late, it's no one's affair.
If the weather is bad, either too hot or snowing,
Just stay home and rest, for there'll be others going.

But should you attend, be sure and remember
To find fault with the work, each official and member.
Be sure to hold back on your offerings and tithes,
The bills will be paid by the rest of the guys.

And never take office if offered the post,
But eagerly criticize work of the host.
If not on a committee you're placed, be sore!
If you find that you are, don't attend any more.

When asked your opinion on this thing or that,
Have nothing to say, just turn 'em down flat.
Then after the meeting, shine out like the sun
By telling the folks how it should have been done.

Don't do any more than you possibly can,
Leave the work for some other woman or man.
And when you see faithful ones work themselves sick,
Then stand up and holler, "It's run by a clique!"


A clique (pronounced /ˈkliːk/)  is a small, exclusive group of friends or associates who share interests, views, purposes, patterns of behavior, or ethnicity.

When strength becomes weakness


A person who is frank can very easily find himself becoming tactless (lacking or showing a lack of what is fitting and considerate in dealing with others).

Now, a person who prides himself on being tactful, on the other hand, can find eventually that he has become evasive and deceitful.

A person with firm convictions can become pigheaded.

A person who is candid can also be viewed as cruel.

A person who is inclined to be temperate and judicious can sometimes turn into someone with weak convictions and banked fires of resolution.

Loyalty can lead to fanaticism.

Caution can become timidity.

Freedom can become license.

Confidence can become arrogance.

Humility can become servility.

All these are ways in which strength can become your very own weakness.


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I also want to add, "Yes, I am a living example."
My advice:
Please don't try and learn anything from me, and don't copy any of my traits/characteristics/qualities.

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Friday, October 1, 2010

Knee mail


God does not answer e-mails.  It's not that God couldn't answer e-mails. God knew about all of this technology stuff years ago. Microsoft and Google are big, but our God is much bigger. He knows all about e-mail. In fact, there are probably about 50 gazillion e-mails being sent over the internet RIGHT NOW, and God knows what every single one of them says! That's how big God is!

But, out of those 50 gazillion e-mails being sent, God isn't the author of any of them. You see...

...God just doesn't answer e-mails.

And I'll tell you what you'll discover if you were to try to e-mail God. You'll get one of those messages that we've all seen at one time or another...

..."Returned Mail: Undeliverable."

Why? Because GOD JUST DOESN'T ANSWER E-MAILS. You see, God prefers to communicate with His children in other ways. God doesn't answer e-mail...

...but He DOES answer knee-mail!

That's right, God answers knee-mail. God listens and speaks through prayer, when we are down on our knees, humble and eager to talk with our Heavenly Father. It doesn't take opening a browser or email software, it takes opening our hearts and mouths to share with the Lord. We don't have to access a Gmail or Hotmail account to speak to God, we have direct access through Jesus Christ.

Yes, God answers knee-mail.

I know, because I've sent Him a lot of it.

And I've never gotten a "Returned Mail: Undeliverable" response. Instead I've seen God heal the sick, provide for the needy, guide the misdirected, comfort the mourning, calm the fearful, do the impossible, work the miraculous and save eternally the sinful. You see, He's done all of those things in MY life.

E-mail may move the internet, but knee-mail moves mountains.

My friend, is some hardship or burden weighing you down? Some obstacle in your way? Some need that you just can't meet? Or, maybe you'd just like to say "Thanks" and give praise to our Lord? Get down on your knee, and send up a prayer. Share you heart. Speak with God. And you'll see.

...God answers knee-mail.

Thursday, September 30, 2010

The lawn chair man


Please don't try this at home!!



BTW, this was back in 1982.  After spending some time in the sky, he shot several balloons, and then accidentally dropped his pellet gun overboard. During his descent, the balloons' dangling cables got caught in a power line, causing a blackout in a Long Beach neighborhood for 20 minutes.
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Squawks


"Squawks" are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews to fix before the next flight. Here are some squawks submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews.

(P) = Problem (S) = Solution

(P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement
(S) Almost replaced left inside main tire

(P) Test flight OK, except autoland very rough
(S) Autoland not installed on this aircraft

(P) #2 Propeller seeping prop fluid
(S) #2 Propeller seepage normal - #1 #3 and #4 propellers lack normal seepage

(P) Something loose in cockpit
(S) Something tightened in cockpit

(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear
(S) Evidence removed

(P) DME volume unbelievably loud
(S) Volume set to more believable level

(P) Dead bugs on windshield
(S) Live bugs on order

(P) Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent
(S) Cannot reproduce problem on ground

(P) IFF inoperative
(S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode (IFF-Identification Friend or Foe)

(P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick
(S) That's what they're there for

(P) Number three engine missing
(S) Engine found on right wing after brief search

(P) Aircraft handles funny
(S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right" and be serious

(P) Target Radar hums
(S) Reprogrammed Target Radar with the lyrics

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Don't Worry

One morning, death was walking toward a city and a man asked, "What are you going to do?"

"I'm going to take 100 people." death replied.

"That's horrible!" the man said.

"That's the way it is." death said. "That's what I do."

The man hurried to warn everyone he could about death's plan.

As evening fell, he met death again.

"You told me you were going to take 100 people," the man said. "Why did 1,000 die?"

"I kept my word," death responded. "I only took 100 people. Worry took the other 900."

Worry is, and always will be, a fatal disease of the heart, for its beginning signals the end of faith. Mental distress can lead to various diseases including migraine headaches, arthritis, heart trouble, cystitis, colitis, backaches, ulcers, depression, digestive disorders and even death!! Add to that list the mental fatigue of nights without sleep and days without peace, then we get a glimpse of the havoc worry plays in destroying our quality of life.

We should release the regrets of yesterday, refuse the fears of tomorrow and receive instead, the peace of God today.

One of my favorite songs is, 'Don't Worry, Be Happy.'



Don't Worry, Be Happy - complete lyrics.

(whistling)
Here's a little song i wrote,
you might want to sing it note for note,
don't worry, be happy

in every life we have some trouble,
when you worry you make it double
don't worry, be happy

dont worry be happy now
dont worry be happy
dont worry be happy
dont worry be happy
dont worry be happy
aint got no place to lay your head,
somebody came and took your bed,
don't worry, be happy

the landlord say your rent is late,
he may have to litagate,
dont worry (small laugh) be happy,

look at me im happy,
don't worry, be happy

i give you my phone number,
when your worried, call me,
i make you happy

don't worry, be happy

aint got no cash, aint got no style,
aint got no gal to make you smile
but don't worry, be happy

cos when you worry, your face will frown,
and that will bring everybody down,
so don't worry, be happy

don't worry, be happy now...

don't worry, be happy
don't worry, be happy
don't worry, be happy
don't worry, be happy

now there this song i wrote
i hope you you learned it note for note
like good little children

dont worry be happy

listen to what i say
in your life expect some trouble
when you worry you make it double
dont worry be happy
be happy now

dont worry, be happy
dont worry, be happy
dont worry, be happy
dont worry, be happy
dont worry
dont worry be happy
don't worry, don't worry, don't do it,
be happy,put a smile on your face,
don't bring everybody down like this

don't worry, it will soon pass whatever it is,
don't worry, be happy,
i'm not worried

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Wednesday, September 29, 2010

BadAir: Flight slogans


1. BadAir: When you just can't wait for the world to come to you.

2. BadAir: We're Amtrak with wings.

3. Join our frequent near-miss program.

4. On flights, every section is a smoking section.

5. Ask about our out-of-court settlements.

6. Our staff has had lots of experience counseling next-of-kin.

7. Are our jet engines too noisy? Don't worry. We'll turn them off.

8. Complimentary champagne during free-fall.

9. Enjoy the in-flight movie in the plane next to you.

10. The kids will love our inflatable slides.

11. If you think it's so easy, get your own plane!

12. Which will fall faster, our stock price or our planes?

13. Our pilots are all terminally ill and have nothing to lose.

14. BadAir: We may be landing on your street.

15. BadAir: Terrorists are afraid to fly with us.

16. Bring a bathing suit.

17. Some airlines are content to fly thousands of feet over landmarks. We try to get as close as possible for the best view.

18. That guy who crashed into the White House was one of our best pilots.

19. Fly BadAir and enjoy a free two-week hospital stay on us.

20. BadAir: A real man lands where he wants to.

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Standing seat


In order to save aircraft seat space, an Italian company Aviointeriors' came up with an idea.  It was to decrease the legroom and design 'standing seat' which has 23 inches of legroom, instead of the current economy class average of 30 inches.

During last week's Aircraft Interiors Expo in Long Beach, California, a man tries on the new 'standing seat'.

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Faith


Once there was a 'sword fight to death' between Satan and the young man Valentine. During the course of the fight, Satan breaks Valentine's sword and he stands poised to slay him. But the young valentine takes the two broken pieces of his sword and fashions them into a cross. Confronted with this symbol of faith, Satan becomes immobilized and Valentine is saved.

Moral:
A dramatic demonstration of faith can even save you from your deathbed.
The bible teaches us that faith involves the guidance of the Holy Ghost to individuals.
Further, faith has been described as part of one's armor, serving as a "breastplate of faith and love" in protecting the faithful from evil.

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Tuesday, September 28, 2010

What do women really want?

Once young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him, but was moved by Arthur's youthful happiness. So he offered him freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer; if, after a year, he still had no answer, he would be killed.

The question was, "What do women really want?"

Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and, to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query.

Well, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end. He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everybody: the princess, the prostitutes, the priests, the wise men, the court jester. In all, he spoke with everyone but no one could give him a satisfactory answer. What most people did tell him was to consult the old witch, as only she would know the answer. The price would be high, since the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no alternative but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer his question, but he'd have to accept her price first: The old witch wanted to marry Gawain, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified - she was hunchbacked and awfully hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage water, often made obscene noises.  He had never run across such a repugnant creature. He refused to force his friend to marry her and have to endure such a burden. Gawain, upon learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He told him that nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, their wedding was proclaimed, and the witch answered Arthur's question, "What a woman really wants is to be able to be in charge of her own life."

Everyone instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared. The neighboring monarch spared Arthur's life and granted him total freedom. What a wedding Gawain and the witch had! Arthur was torn between relief and anguish.

Gawain was proper as always, gentle and courteous. The old witch put her worst manners on display. She ate with her hands, belched and emitted gas, and made everyone uncomfortable. The wedding night approached and Gawain, steeling himself for a horrific night, entered the bedroom.

The most beautiful woman he'd ever seen lay before him! Gawain was astounded and asked what had happened. The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her (when she'd been a witch), half the time she would be her horrible, deformed self, and the other half, she would be her beautiful maiden self. Which would he want her to be during the day and which during the night?

"What a cruel question!" thought Gawain.

Gawain began to think of his predicament: During the day a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his home, an old spooky witch? Or would he prefer having by day a hideous witch, but by night a beautiful woman to enjoy many intimate moments?

If you were in Gawain's shoes, what would you do? To see what Gawain chose, scroll down.
But don't scroll down until you've made your own choice.




Noble Gawain replied that he would let her choose for herself. Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time, because he had respected her and had let her be in charge of her own life.

Moral:
Women must be given freedom to choose for themselves.
This does not negate the truth that the man is still to be 'head' in a relationship, the same way Christ is Head of our Church.
God allows us the freedom to choose.
If we really Love Him we'll freely choose His way which is submission.

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Monday, September 27, 2010

Shortest man



Worried about your height, and thinking about wearing high heels to appear tall?

Here is a fellow human being, Edward Nino Hernandez. Edward, 24, who is 70.21 cm (2 ft 3.46 inches), has been recognised as the world's shortest man in the upcoming Guinness World Records 2011 book. The woman in pink is Hernandez's mother Noemi.

Light in the darkness

One evening as dusk was fast turning into darkness when Robert Louis Stevenson was a young child, he had his face pinned to the window at the front of his house fascinated by the lamplighter coming down the street, lighting the old fashioned gas street lamps. He called out to his nana saying, "Nana! Come quickly. There's a man coming down the street punching holes in the darkness!"

Wherever we are, wherever we go, may God's love shine through us so that by our manner of conversation and life we, too, will punch holes in the darkness that surrounds us. No matter how small you feel your "light" may be, remember that all the darkness in the world cannot put out the light of one small candle - or one ordinary Christian!

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Sunday, September 26, 2010

Horseshoe logic


An American scientist once visited the offices of the great Nobel Prize-winning physicist, Neils Bohr, in Copenhagen, and was amazed to find a horseshoe was nailed to the wall over his desk.

The American said with a nervous laugh, "Surely you don't believe that horseshoe will bring you good luck, do you, Professor Bohr?"

Bohr chuckled.  "I believe no such thing, my good friend.  Not at all.  I am scarcely likely to believe in such foolish nonsense.  However, I am told that a horseshoe will bring you good luck whether you believe in it or not!  How can one argue with such logic?"

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