Saturday, June 26, 2010

Few answers

Few interesting answers by kids in Sunday School.

Q. Does anyone here know what a bishop does?
A. Moves diagonally.

Q. Why did the Israelis make a golden calf?
A. They didn’t have enough gold to make a cow.

Q. Where do people go who use bad language?
A. To the golf course.

Q. What happened to Joan of Arc?
A. She was burned to a steak.

Q. What did your family give up for Lent?
A. Our New Year’s resolutions.

Q. Does your father have any religion?
A. He goes fishing every Sunday religiously.

Q. Do any of you children think there are animals in heaven?
A. Yes. Mom looked to heaven and said it was raining cats and dogs.

Q. Pray for the pastor. Did you know that it’s not easy to speak in public?
A. He’s not easy to listen to, either.

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Friday, June 25, 2010

Gone Fishing

As we are heading out fishing to Helen, early in the morning with Chris and his friends, here is a fishing humor for you to read.  Have a good one, and see you very soon.

A couple of young guys were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track when out of the bushes jumped the game warden! Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods and hot on his heels came the game warden.

After about a half mile, the guy stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thighs to catch his breath and the game warden finally caught up to him. "Let's see yer fishin license, boy!" the warden gasped.

With that, the guy pulled out his wallet and gave the game warden a valid fishing license.

"Well, son," said the Game Warden. "You must be about as dumb as a box of rocks! You don't have to run from me if you have a valid license!"

"Yes sir," replied the young feller. "But my friend back there, well, he don't have one..."

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Thursday, June 24, 2010

Airplane game


A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains" I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and vice-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500," figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match. This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the blonde's turn.

She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Air phone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress.

Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows. After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer!?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep!

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A merchant with four wives


Once upon a time there was a rich merchant who had four wives. He loved the fourth wife the most and adorned her with rich robes and treated her to delicacies. He took great care of her and gave her nothing but the best.

He also loved the third wife very much. He was very proud of her and always wanted to show her off to his friends. However, the merchant is always in great fear that she might run away with some other man.

He also, loved his second wife. She is a very considerate person, always patient and in fact is the merchant's confidante. Whenever the merchant faced some problems, he always turned to his second wife and she would always help him out and tide him through difficult times.

Now, the merchant's first wife is a very loyal partner and has made great contributions in maintaining his wealth and business as well as taking care of the household. However, the merchant did not love the first wife and although she loved him deeply, he hardly took notice of her.

One day, the merchant fell ill. Before long, he knew that he was going to die soon. He thought of his luxurious life and told himself, "Now I have four wives with me. But when I die, I'll be alone. How lonely I'll be!" Thus, he asked the fourth wife, "I loved you most, endowed you with the finest clothing and showered great care over you. Now that I'm dying, will you follow me and keep me company?"

"No way!" replied the fourth wife and she walked away without another word.

The answer cut like a sharp knife right into the merchant's heart.

The sad merchant then asked the third wife, "I have loved you so much for all my life. Now that I'm dying, will you follow me and keep me company?"

"No!" replied the third wife. "Life is so good over here! I'm going to remarry when you die!" The merchant's heart sank and turned cold.

He then asked the second wife, "I always turned to you for help and you've always helped me out. Now I need your help again. When I die, will you follow me and keep me company?"

"I'm sorry, I can't help you out this time!" replied the second wife. "At the very most, I can only send you to your grave." The answer came like a bolt of thunder and the merchant was devastated.

Then a voice called out: "I'll leave with you. I'll follow you no matter where you go. "The merchant looked up and there was his first wife.

She was so skinny, almost like she suffered from malnutrition. Greatly grieved, the merchant said, "I should have taken much better care of you while I could have!"

Actually, we all have four wives in our lives.... The fourth wife is our body. No matter how much time and effort we lavish in making it look good, it'll leave us when we die.

Our third wife? Our possessions, status and wealth. When we die, they all go to others.

The second wife is our family and friends. No matter how close they had been there for us when we're alive, the furthest they can stay by us is up to the grave.

The first wife is in fact our soul, often neglected in our pursuit of material wealth and sensual pleasure. Guess what? It is actually the only thing that follows us wherever we go. Perhaps it's a good idea to cultivate and strengthen it NOW rather than to wait until we're on our death bed to lament.

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House chores


One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house. His three children were outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard. The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house.

Proceeding to the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room, the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over the toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she may be ill, or that something serious had happened. He found her lounging in the bedroom, still curled in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel.

She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"

She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come home from work and ask me what in the world did I do today?"

"Yes," was his incredulous reply.

She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it."

PS: This is not to provide anybody with any ideas - please treat it as a humor.

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Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Summer Break



Credits: Kevin Rains.

Getting along with others

Never let an opportunity pass to say a kind and encouraging word to or about somebody. Praise good work, regardless of who did it. If criticism is needed, criticize helpfully, never spitefully.

Keep skid chains on your tongue; always say less than you think. Cultivate a low, persuasive voice. How you say it counts more than what you say.

Be interested in others, their pursuits, their work, their homes and families. Make merry with those who rejoice; with those who weep, mourn. Let everyone you meet, however humble, feel that you regard him as a person of importance.

Be cheerful. Don't burden or depress those around you by dwelling on your minor aches and pains and small disappointments. Remember, everyone is carrying some kind of a load.

Keep an open mind. Discuss but don't argue. It is a mark of a superior mind to be able to disagree without being disagreeable.

Let your virtues speak for themselves. Refuse to talk of another's vices. Discourage gossip. It is a waste of valuable time and can be extremely destructive.

Be careful of another's feelings. Wit and humor at the other person's expense are rarely worth it and may hurt when least expected.

Pay no attention to ill-natured remarks about you. Remember, the person who carried the message may not be the most accurate reporter in the world. Simply live so that nobody will believe them. Disordered nerves and bad digestion are a common cause of backbiting.

Don't be too anxious about the credit due to you. Do your best, and be patient. Forget about yourself, and let others "remember." Success is much sweeter that way.

Make promises sparingly, and keep them faithfully, no matter what it costs.

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Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Bathroom Commode

This is the story of a lady who was rather old-fashioned, always quite delicate and elegant, especially in her language.  She and her husband were planning a week's vacation in Florida, so she wrote to a particular campground asking for a reservation.

She wanted to make sure the campground was fully equipped, but didn't quite know how to ask about the toilet facilities.  She just couldn't bring herself to write the word "toilet" in her letter.  After much deliberation, she finally came up with the old-fashioned term BATHROOM COMMODE.  But when she wrote that down, she still thought she was being too forward.  So she started all over again and rewrote the entire letter referring to the bathroom commode merely as the BC.  "Does the campground have it's own BC?" is what she actually wrote.

Well, the campground owner wasn't old-fashioned at all, and when he got the letter, he just couldn't figure out what the woman was talking about.  That BC business really stumped him.

After worrying about it for awhile, he showed the letter to several campers, but they couldn't imagine what the lady meant either.  So the campground owner, finally coming to the conclusion that the lady must be asking about the local Baptist Church, sat down and wrote the following reply:

Dear Madam:

I regret very much the delay in answering your letter, but I now take pleasure in informing you that a BC is located nine miles north of the campground and is capable of seating 250 people at one time.  I admit it is quite a distance away, if you are in the habit of going regularly, but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number of people take their lunches along and make a day of it.  They usually arrive early and stay late.  It is such a beautiful facility and the acoustics are marvelous.  Even the normal delivery sounds can be heard.

The last time my wife and I went was six years ago, and it was so crowded we had to stand up the whole time we were there.  It may interest you to know that right now a supper is planned to raise money to buy more seats.  They are going to hold it in the basement of the BC.

I would like to say it pains me very much not to be able to go more regularly, but it surely is no lack of desire on my part.  As we grow old, it seems to be more of an effort, particularly in cold weather.

If you do decide to come down to our campground, perhaps I could go with you the first time you go, sit with you, and introduce you to all the other folks.

Remember, this is a friendly community.

Sincerely,
Campground Owner

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10 Commandments - texted


If God had texted the 10 Commandments to Mosses, it would look somewhat like this on Mosses' cell phone. 































Credits: Readers Digest

The cloud


"I was wondering God, if when I die, just after my earthly body gives into your call, instead of going to Heaven could you let me be a cloud?"

"Hmmm," God said. "Why would you ever want to be a cloud? They block the sun. They rain on picnics and parades."

"Forgive me, God. I don't mean that kind of cloud. I want to be one of those big, puffy clouds. You know the kind of cloud that makes people stop and point. The kind of cloud that takes your breath away when you first see it."

"Oh, I see," replied God.

"I want to begin somewhere and travel as far as I can. I want to bring comfort to those who need protection. I want to dance across the horizon at the very edge of a young couples view of the ocean. I want make them smile.

I want to be a part of an artist's view of the world. I want to be captured in a photograph and when viewed I want people to long for such a moment in their lives, too.

I want to reflect the sunlight at dawn and light up with the hues of autumn on a crisp cold day."

"I see," God said softly.

"Please, God, don't let this life be the end of it all. I want to finally know that people will look up to me."

"The end? I suggest that you don't wait until the end. Why not live your life so that you accomplish all of that while you are alive?" said God.

"How?"

"Begin right where you are. Travel as far as your mind can imagine. Bring comfort to those who need it. Dance along the shore to the music of the ocean. Make memories so that in the Autumn of your life you will be a reflection of a life well lived to warm your heart on the coldest of days," said God.

And so I have lived that way for as long as I can remember. I am a cloud on the way to Heaven. What do you want to be?

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Monday, June 21, 2010

Interpreter

Once, a Mafia Godfather, accompanied by his lawyer walks into a room to meet with his former accountant.

The Godfather asks the accountant, "Where is the 3 million bucks you I entrusted with you?"

The accountant does not answer.

The Godfather asks again, "Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?"

The attorney interrupts, "Sir, the man is a deaf mute and cannot understand you, but I can interpret for you."

The Godfather says, "Well ask him where my damm money is!"

The attorney, using sign language, asks the accountant where the 3 million dollars is.

The accountant signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."

The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He doesn't know what you are talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a 9 millimeter pistol, puts it to the temple of the accountant, cocks the trigger and says, "Ask him again where my damn money is!"

The attorney signs to the accountant, "He wants to know where it is!"

The accountant signs back, "OK! OK! OK! The money is hidden in a brown suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!"

The Godfather says, "Well....what did he say?"

The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He says...go to hell......that you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."

Oh - these lawyers!!!

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Adorable - 5

Modern Maxims

1. You can’t teach a new mouse old clicks.

2. Home is where you hang your @

3. Too many clicks spoil the browse.

4. The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.

5. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.

6. The geek shall inherit the earth.

7. Great groups grow from little icons.

8. Oh, what a tangled website we weave when first we practice.

9. C:\ is the root of all directories.

10. Virtual reality is its own reward.

11. A chat has nine lives.

12. Don’t byte off more than you can view.

13. Fax is stranger than fiction.

14. Windows will never cease.

15. There’s no place like http://www.home.com

16. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Internet and he won’t bother you for weeks.

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Twice


A small boy once made a toy sailboat. He fashioned it with loving care and finally it was ready to sail. With pride he looked at it, brave in its fresh red and white paint. The little boat, lifting its sails proudly to the wind, escaped from his eager fingers and swept down, down the river away from its grief-stricken owner. Though he looked long and diligently he could not find his little boat.

One day, several weeks after, he happened to be walking down the street when, his eye was suddenly caught by a flash of red and white in a pawnshop window. It was his own boat! The one he had made himself! He rushed into the shop and demanded that the man give him his boat. He met with a brusque refusal. The shopkeeper said that he had paid for the little boat and before the boy could have it he would have to pay the stated price.

With a sad heart the little fellow walked out of the store. It would take many days for him to secure all that money, and for his own boat! But he went to work with a will and in a shorter time than he had thought possible, he had earned the needed money. With a light step he went to the store, laid down the money on the counter, and again demanded his boat.

This time he received it. As he went out of the store to the street, with his little boat tucked under his arm, he was heard to say tenderly, "You are mine, little boat, twice mine; once because I made you, and twice because I bought you."

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