Saturday, May 29, 2010

Military humor

Have you heard.....

About the cadet that said bad things about West Point?
He was expelled for being rotten to the corps.

About the lady who saw a sign at the movies that said 50 cents for servicemen?
She paid $5.00 and asked for six paratroopers and four marines.

About the soldier who came to his chaplain and wanted to get something off his chest?
Seems he needed the name of a girl changed on a tatoo.

About the fellow who admitted that he remained just a private during the war?
So Diogenes blew out his lamp and headed home.

About the old salt who was asked if his tatoos were permanent or would they wash off?
He apologized and admitted that he couldn’t say for sure.

About the recruit who finished Basic Training then went on a furlong instead of a furlough?
He went as “fur” away as he could for as “long” as they’d let him.

About the WAC who fell in love with 14 guys in Charlie Company?
She said it was just a platoonic relationship.

Enjoy your memorial day weekend.

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Friday, May 28, 2010

High schoolers answer tough questions

Have you tried to answer a question which you are not quite sure of?  Here are few answers that appeared on high school tests.  These teens do have some *imagination*. Nice try though.  :-)

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: What is a planet?
A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (E.g., abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts -- the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A,E,I,O and U.

Q: What is the Fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.

Q: What is the most common form of birth control?
A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section."
A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor.

Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport

Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.

Q: What does the word "benign"?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Q: What is a turbine?
A: Something an Arab wears on his head.

Q: What is a Hindu?
A: It lays eggs.

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Atlanta, GA


Sometimes, you need to get out of a place to learn about that place - sort of view outside the box.  Here is a view about Atlanta, GA. This is for anyone who lives in Atlanta, who has ever lived in Atlanta, has ever visited Atlanta, ever plans to visit Atlanta, knows anyone who already lives in Atlanta, or knows anyone who has ever heard of Atlanta, Georgia:

Atlanta is composed mostly of one way streets. The only way to get out of downtown Atlanta is to turn around and start over when you reach Greenville, South Carolina. All directions start with, "Go down Peachtree" and include the phrase, "When you see the Waffle House." Except that in Cobb County, all directions begin with, "Go to the Big Chicken."

Peachtree Street has no beginning and no end, and is not to be confused with Peachtree Circle, Peachtree Place, Peachtree Lane, Peachtree Road, Peachtree Parkway, Peachtree Run, Peachtree Terrace, Peachtree Avenue, Peachtree Commons, Peachtree Battle, Peachtree Corners, New Peachtree, Old Peachtree, West Peachtree, Peachtree-Dunwoody, Peachtree-Chamblee, or Peachtree Industrial Boulevard.

Atlantans only know their way to work and their way home. If you ask anyone for directions they will always send you down Peachtree.

Atlanta is the home of Coca-Cola. That's all we drink here, so don't ask for any other soft drink unless it's made by Coca-Cola. And even then it's still "Coke." A carbonated soft drink isn't soda, cola, or pop...it's a Coke, regardless of brand or flavor. Example: "What kinda coke you want?" Also, fried catfish is the other white meat.

Gate One at Atlanta's Hartsfield International Airport is 32 miles away from the Main Concourse, so wear sneakers and pack a lunch.

It's impossible to go around a block and wind up on the street you started on. The Chamber of Commerce calls it a "scenic" and has posted signs to that effect, so that out-of-towners don't feel lost ...they're just on a "scenic drive."

The 8:00 AM rush hour is from 6:30 to 10:30 AM.

The 5:00 PM rush hour is from 3:00 to 7:30 PM.

Friday's rush hour starts Thursday afternoon, and lasts through 2:00 AM Saturday.

"Sir" and "Ma'am" are used by the person speaking to you if there's a remote possibility that you're at least 30 minutes older than they are.

A native can only pronounce Ponce De Leon Avenue in the native way, so do not attempt the Spanish pronunciation. People will simply tilt their heads to the right and stare at you. The Atlanta pronunciation is "pahnss duh LEE-on".

The falling of one rain drop causes all drivers to immediately forget all traffic rules; so will daylight savings time, a girl applying eye shadow in the next car, or a flat tire three lane over.

If a single snowflake falls, the city is paralyzed for three days, and it's on all the channels as a news flash every 15 minutes for a week. All grocery stores will be sold out of milk, bread, bottled water, toilet paper, and beer. If there is a remote chance of snow, and if it does snow, people will be on the corner selling "I survived the blizzard" tee-shirts, not to mention the fact that all schools will close at the slightest possible chance of snow.

If you are standing on a corner and a MARTA Bus stops, you're expected to get on and go somewhere.

Construction on Peachtree Street is a way of life and a permanent form of entertainment, especially when a water line is tapped and Atlanta's version of Old Faithful erupts. Construction crews are not doing their jobs properly unless they close down all major streets during rush hour.

Atlantans are very proud of our racetrack, known as Road Atlanta. It winds throughout the city on the Interstates, hence its name. Actually, I-285, the loop that encircles Atlanta and has a posted speed limit of 65mph ( but you have to maintain 80 mph just to keep from getting run over ), is known to truckers as "The Watermelon 500."

Georgia 400 is our equivalent of the Autobahn. You will rarely see a semi-truck on GA 400, because even the truck drivers are intimidated by the oversized SUV-wielding housewives racing home after a grueling day at the salon, or the tennis match, to meet their children at the school bus coming home from the college prep preschool.

The last thing you want to do is give another driver the finger, unless your car is armored, your trigger finger is itchy and your AK-47 has a full clip.

Possums sleep in the middle of the road with their feet in the air. There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 live in Georgia. There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 live in Georgia, plus a couple no one has seen before.

Squirrels will eat anything. Unknown critters love to dig holes under tomato plants. Raccoons will test your crop of melons and let you know when they are ripe.

If it grows, it sticks; if it crawls, it bites.

A tractor is NOT an all-terrain vehicle. They do get stuck.

It is not a shopping cart, it is a buggy.

People actually grow, eat, and like okra !

"Fixinto" is one word... ( I'm fixinto go to the...)

There's no such thing as "lunch." There's only dinner and then there's supper.

Sweet Tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you were 2 years old.

"Backards" and "forwards" means I know everything about you.

'Jeet?' is actually a phrase meaning "Did you eat?"

You don't have to wear a watch because it doesn't matter what time it is

You work until you're done, or it's too dark to see.

You know you're from Georgia if:

You measure distance in minutes or beers; you know what a 'dawg' is; you see a car running in the parking lot at the store with no one in it, no matter what time of the year.

You install security lights on your house and garage ......and leave both unlocked ; you carry jumper cables in your car...for your OWN car ; you think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday ; you find 100 degrees Fahrenheit "a little warm" ; or you describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good pinto-bean weather.

You know whether another Georgian is from north, south or middle Georgia as soon as they open their mouth.

All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insects or animals.

The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require 6 pages for local gossip and sports.

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U need wisdom to blame

Once a ship got caught in a violent storm. It wrecked and the waves cast it's wrecks on the sands of the shore. Among them was a sailor who lay senseless on the beach. When he came to his senses, he cursed the sea saying, "The sea is a cheat indeed. It attracts people with it's cool and calm waters and once they are in it's grip, it turns furious and destroys them.

Hearing his reproach, the sea felt pinched. But it didn't want to trouble the sailor anymore. So, it came to the sailor in form of a damsel.

"Who are you, O lovely lady?" asked the sailor.

"I am the sea and am as lovely as you see me now. You are blaming me for the wreck but it isn't just.

Surprised, the sailor asked, "Who is just then?"

The sea urged, "The wreck was caused by the cruel winds that blew into gusts and gales over me and created stormy waves in my calm waters."

The sailor had nothing to say except feeling sorry.

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Thursday, May 27, 2010

Handwriting

A man writing at the post office desk was approached by an older fellow with a post card in his hand. The old man said, "Sir, I'm sorry to bother you but could you address this post card for me? My arthritis is acting up and I can't even hold a pen."

"Certainly, sir," said the younger man. He wrote out the address and also agreed to write a short message and sign the card for the man. Finally, the younger man asked, "Now, is there anything else I can do for you?"

The old fellow glanced at the card a moment and said, "Yes, at the end could you just add, 'PS: Please excuse the sloppy hand-writing?'"

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The letter

A minister prayed to God in turmoil over the sinful state of America. “Lord, most of the people in this nation have no interest in following You. And the rest of us that love You are having a hard time holding on!”

God heard the prayer and sent down an angel to investigate the claim. Later the angel reported back that, indeed, things were much worse that the minister indicated. 99% of American was more sinful than Sodom and Gomorrah, and the remaining faithful 1% were struggling.

God considered what to do for those who were staying true to the faith. Finally God decided to send a letter of encouragement to those faithful few.

And do you know what the letter said?

Oh, I’m sorry. Would you like to read my copy?
:-)

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Not free

Schools were about to close and one nursery school teacher took the opportunity to tell her class about patriotism.

“We live in a great country,” she said. “One of the things we should be happy is that, in this country, we are all free.”

One little boy came walking up to her from the back of the room. He stood with his hands on his hips and said, “I’m not free. I’m four.”

Believe in yourself

One man, a college professor, was both intelligent and inquisitive. His sister had a hearing deficiency and in trying to invent a device to enhance her hearing, he created something more complex. After many years of trial and error and success, he was ready to take it into production.

More years were spend traveling throughout New England trying to get venture capital interest in his dream. They laughed when he suggested that he could carry the human voice along a wire so that it could be heard for miles. Indeed! They laughed that he would have the nerve to assume it would work for even one mile.

Nobody laughs at Bell today. Alexander Graham Bell had the self-esteem to hang in there when the only reward was his belief in himself.

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Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Detergent

Since summer vacation has started, you must be (hopefully) helping your parents with house chores.  Here is the story of such a kid.

A young boy, about eight years old was  picking out a pretty good size box of laundry detergent. The grocer walked over, and, trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.

"Oh, no laundry," the boy said, "I'm going to wash my dog."

"But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him."

But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog.

About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing.

"Oh, he died," the boy said.

The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was sorry the dog died but added, "I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog."

"Well," the boy replied, "I don't think it was the detergent that killed him."

"Oh? What was it then?"

"I think it was the spin cycle!"

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Act now



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Real beauty

Two fairly well-to-do women spent an afternoon at the local mall searching for "the perfect outfit." The following day was to be a special event and the two women wanted to look especially attractive. The two had their nails polished to a fine brilliance, hair done by a well-known stylist, selected a sweet-smelling perfume, and tried on outfits.

While in the dressing room of a fashionable department store, the two women made certain their every need was catered to by the store assistants.

"This outfit is much too small!" yelled the first woman as she threw her garment at the store assistant.

"Go get me another one now!" she ordered.

The second woman chimed in, "You fool! You brought me the blue dress! I told you I look horrid in blue!"

For the next hour, the two women tried on many glittery outfits as they verbally abused and insulted the assistants whose job it was to assist "special" customers. By the time the women finally selected appropriate outfits, the assistants felt drained and were glad to see the two women go.

"Have you ever seen such ugly women?" asked one assistant to the other.

"What do you mean?" asked the other, looking puzzled, "Those women were very attractive."

"Attractive on the outside yes, but on the inside, they were ugly as sin!" answered the assistant as she gathered up the dresses which were strewn all over the dressing room floor.

If only the women in this story would spend as much attention on their inner being, as on their outer appearance. Inner beauty is something that cannot be bought at a store.

What do you see when you look in the mirror?

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Tuesday, May 25, 2010

I feel your sorrow

I feel your sorrow,
And appreciate your prayers.
When you are lonely
Know that I am nearby for you.
While I’m no longer on earth, I’m in a new place-
A place too beautiful to describe.
It’s a place of peace, comfort, and love,
A place so warm and wonderful
It defies imagination.
While you are sad now,
You will grow in strength.
You can turn to me in prayer-please do.
You can continue to love me.
I will watch over you-though for now
You will not be able to see or touch me.
You are still on earth
And meant to be there for now.
You will grieve; it isn’t easy.
Death is always sad,
But believe that someday soon we’ll be reunited
To be all that we can be
With God and our loved ones.

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Flying


Once upon a time there was a boy who was raised in an orphanage.

The boy had always wished that he could fly like a bird. It was very difficult for him to understand why he could not fly. There were birds at the zoo that were much bigger than he, and they could fly.

"Why can't I?" he thought. "Is there something wrong with me?" he wondered.

There was another little boy who was crippled. He had always wished that he could walk and run like other little boys and girls.

"Why can't I be like them?" he thought.

One day the orphan boy who had wanted to fly like a bird ran away from the orphanage. He came upon a park where he saw the little boy who could not walk or run playing in the sandbox.

He ran over to the little boy and asked him if he had ever wanted to fly like a bird.

"No," said the little boy who could not walk or run. "But I have wondered what it would be like to walk and run like other boys and girls."

"That is very sad." said the little boy who wanted to fly. "Do you think we could be friends?" he said to the little boy in the sandbox.

"Sure." said the little boy.

The two boys played for hours. They made sand castles and made really funny sounds with their mouths. Sounds which made them laugh real hard. Then the little boy's father came with a wheelchair to pick up his son. The little boy who had always wanted to fly ran over to the boy's father and whispered something into his ear.

"That would be OK," said the man.

The boy who had always wanted to fly like a bird ran over to his new friend and said, "You are my only friend and I wish that there was something that I could do to make you walk and run like other little boys and girls. But I can't. But there is something that I can do for you."

The orphan boy turned around and helped his new friend to slide up onto his back and finally upon his shoulders. He then began to run across the grass. Faster and faster he ran, carrying the little crippled boy on his back. Faster and harder he ran across the park. Harder and harder he made his legs travel. Soon the wind just whistled across the two little boys' faces.

The little boy's father began to cry as he watched his beautiful little crippled son flapping his arms up and down in the wind, all the while yelling at the top of his voice,

"I'M FLYING, DADDY. I'M FLYING!"

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Image of a friend

I can't give solutions to all of life's problems, doubts, or fears.
But I can listen to you, and together we can seek answers.

I can't change your past with all it's heartache and pain, nor the future with it's untold stories.
But I can be there now when you need me to care.

I can't keep your feet from stumbling.
I can only offer my hand that you may grasp it and not fall.

Your joys, triumphs, successes, and happinesses are not mine;
Yet I can share in your laughter and joy.

Your decisions in life are not mine to make, nor to judge;
I can only support you, encourage you, and help you when you ask.

I can't give you boundaries which I have determined for you,
But I can give you the room to change, room to grow, room to be yourself.

I can't keep your heart from breaking and hurting,
But I can cry with you and help you pick up the pieces and put them back in place.

I can't tell you who you are.
I can only love you and be your friend.

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Open Mind

For years, a mother duck led her new family of ducklings to the same pond. It was a place of safety and beauty. However, one year she found it dry and empty. Nothing remained but dried mud.

Yet she persisted in bringing her babies down to the pond, where she would walk about with flapping wings, anxiously quacking and trying to get her brood to enter.

The ducklings, however, with their fresh instincts, heard the far-off rippling of the water in a new dam being built farther upstream. The little ducklings refused to enter the dried mudhole. Instead, they left their mother quacking beside her empty pond and set out to find new water.

The mother duck had a closed mind. She could not accept the reality that the water was gone. She chose not to live in the real world so she remained in her little world because it was familiar.

Like the little ducklings, we must remain open to a new future, open to new ideas, open to others, open to learning new things--no matter what our age and experience. To do so is to maintain a childlike faith in God.

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Monday, May 24, 2010

The confused Samaritan


During modern times, a man was beaten up by robbers on the road from Jerusalem to Jericho. He lay there, injured, half dead and in bad shape.

A Vicar came along, saw him and passed by on the other side.

Next, a monk came by but also walked quickly on the other side.

Finally, a social worker from Samaria came along, looked at the man and said "Whoever did this needs help!"

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The unseen player

This is the story of a colony of mice who made their home at the bottom of a large upright piano. To them, music was frequent, even routine. It filled all the dark spaces with lovely melodies and harmonies.
  
At first, the mice were impressed by the music. They drew comfort and wonder from the thought that an unseen player made the music - though invisible to them, yet close to them. They loved to tell stories about the Great Unseen Player whom they could not see.

Then one day an adventuresome mouse climbed up part of the way in the piano and returned with an elaborate explanation about how the music was made. Wires were the secret - tightly stretched wires of various lengths that vibrated and trembled from time to time.

A second mouse ventured forth and came back discovering the hammers - many hammers dancing and leaping on the wires.

The mice decided they must revise their old opinions. The theory they developed was complicated, but complete with evidence. In the end, the mice concluded that they lived in a purely mechanical and mathematical world.

The story of the 'unseen player' was regarded as a mere myth.  But the unseen player continued to play nonetheless.

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Country wisdom

Don't name a pig you plan to eat.  
  
Country fences need to be horse high, pig tight, and bull strong.
  
Life is not about how fast you run, or how high you climb, but how well you bounce.  
  
Keep skunks and lawyers at a distance.  
  
Life is simpler when you plow around the stumps.  
  
A bumble bee is faster than a John Deere tractor.  
  
Trouble with a milk cow is she won't stay milked.  
  
Don't skinny dip with snapping turtles.  
  
Words that soak into your ears are whispered, not yelled.
  
Meanness doesn't happen overnight.  
  
To know how country folks are doing, look at their barns, not their houses.  
  
Never lay an angry hand on a kid or an animal; it just ain't helpful.  
  
Teachers, Moms, and hoot owls sleep with one eye open.
  
Forgive your enemies. It messes with their heads.  
  
Don't sell your mule to buy a plow.  
  
Two can live as cheap as one, if one doesn't eat.

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Sunday, May 23, 2010

No Excuse Sunday

We had very less people show up for church today, even though it was Pentecost Sunday.  This is the day we  Christians believe the Holy Spirit came upon the disciples and others.

To make it possible for everyone to attend church next Sunday,  we are going to have a special "No Excuse Sunday."

Cots will be placed in the foyer for those who say, "Sunday is my only day to sleep in."

Murine will be available for those with tired eyes - from watching television or partying too late on Saturday night.

We will have steel helmets for those who say, "The roof would cave in if I ever came to church."

Blankets will be provided for those who think the church is too cold, and fans for those who think the church is too hot.

We will have hearing aids for those who say, "The Pastor speaks too softly," and cotton for those who say he preaches too loudly.

Score cards will be available for those who wish to list the hypocrites present.

Some relatives will be in attendance for those who like to go visiting on Sunday.

There will be 100 take home T.V. dinners for those who cannot go to church and cook dinner also.

One section will be devoted to trees and grass for those who like to seek God in nature.

Finally, the sanctuary will be decorated with both Christmas poinsettias and Easter lilies for those who have never seen the church without them.

Just suppose the Lord would begin tomorrow to make people as sick as they claim to be on Sunday.

Some things sound humorous, but they are serious!

What is your excuse for not attending the House of the Lord?

See you next Sunday!

Ten little Christians


We had very little attendance today at church, even though it was one of the most important Sundays.  Reminds me of this song:

Ten little Christians standing in line.
One disliked the preacher, then there were 9.

Nine little Christians stayed a very late.
One overslept Sunday, then there were 8.

Eight little Christians all their way to Heaven.
One took the low road and then there were 7.

Seven little Christians chirping like chicks.
One disliked music, and then there were 6.

Six little Christians seemed very much alive,
but one lost his interest and then there were 5.

Five little Christians pulling for Heaven's Shore,
but one stop to rest, then there were 4.

Four little Christians each busy as a bee.
One got his feelings hurt, then there were 3.

Three little Christians knew not what to do.
One joined the sporty crowd, then there were 2.

Two little Christians, our rhyme is nearly done,
differed with each other, then there was 1

One little Christian can't do much ‘tis true,
brought his friend to Bible study, then there were 2.

Two earnest Christians, each won one more.
That doubled the number, then there were 4.

Four sincere Christians worked early and late.
Each won another, then there were 8.

Eight splendid Christians if they doubled as before.
In just so many Sundays, we'd have 1024.

In this little jingle, there is a lesson true, you belong either
to the building or the wrecking crew!

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Knowledge and wisdom - comment from a reader

Further to my earlier post about knowledge and wisdom, I received this comment from an anonymous reader.  I want to give that person full credit for sharing and adding related info.  Thank you.

Here is that comment:

There is a new book (actually two volumes) about this very subject:

The Angelical Language: The Complete History and Mythos of the Tongue of Angels

The Angelical Language: An Encyclopedic Lexicon of the Tongue of Angels

It discusses the Language and its relationship to the 50 Gates of Wisdom/Understanding, as well as to the prophet Enoch and the Books of Genesis and Revelation.